[/caption]Carol Forsloff - Young entertainer Kelly Rowland wants to reconcile with her estranged father whom she has not seen in 20 years, according to DailyFill.com. In that way she seeks to end a long, slow dying process, the kind that can cause pain across generations that many people feel.
Rowland is quoted as saying, “I do have a desire to speak to him. But I have to be ready when I make that decision, and I don't want to hurry myself." Rowland was raised by her mom since age seven.
It may be a brother, sister, or even a parent or child, but the long, slow death in a family creates great anguish for its members, some of whom can speak about it, while others move away. As face-to-face communication lapses, misunderstandings grow; and relationships become expendable when they are needed most. Rowland tells us she wants to end that pain that comes when someone feels abandoned and unloved.
Family stresses increase in difficult times. Recent news relates the growth of mental health issues, family violence, and homelessness created by estrangement related to economic factors. But there are other concerns that lead to family separation, which is that long, slow death that can impact whole families in many, many ways.
The initial truth that underlines the long, slow death and what agony results is the fact, as experts in adoption maintain, “Each child that enters and leaves the family makes his or her mark.” In a broader perspective of this statement, it isn’t just a child that enters and leaves a family that makes a mark upon it, but other family members too, who leave an empty, painful spot new members cannot fill.
Bill and Steve have not spoken to each other in nearly ten years. They are brothers, both in their 70’s, who had maintained some semblance of relationship most of their lives. That relationship included occasional visits and travels across the country for them, phone calls on birthdays and Christmas, and a rare holiday card sent in offhand, unplanned ways. In reverence for an aging parent, they smiled and chatted at these times, but when the responsibility for the mother ended in her death, the long estrangement of the two siblings soon began, with neither voicing any specific reason for what happened. As each year passed, the negative feelings grew along with stories that could form some foundation and explanation for the ever-growing rift.
For Alice, divorced and older, it is a daughter’s absence, one she lightly passes over when old friends and new ones ask. One adult daughter lives with Alice in caring, comforting ways; the other, Alice says, “I seldom hear at all from that one, and only when I call.”
A bitter divorce or parent rivalry is often at the core of why siblings leave the family or why the mother or the father seem to run away. For Susan, whose former husband got custody of the children, based on income, choice and personal reasons, the loss was absolute. Years of travels to and fro, gifts and phone calls, and offering of money for special needs could not retain the love, affection, and regard that children can provide. Bitter feelings found their way across the family core, to friends and neighbors, and finally to grandchildren Susan may never meet. The gap of time and distance never fully takes the pain away, as mother, grandmother fade from fact but still disturb the memories after all.
Some of those who leave are scapegoats, the ones in dysfunctional relationships that get the blame when things go wrong. That finger of guilty shame turns right to them, or they perceive it does; and in response, the person leaves the family circle when the pain becomes too great.
The scapegoat child, some experts say, is necessary for dysfunctional families to absorb the family pain. Feeling unloved, the child feels hurt, and as the pain grows larger, he or she may act out that pain in ways that increase the chasm that develops until one day it is far too wide, it seems, to get across. This makes the scapegoat act out worse in a cycle that seems endless and becomes the long, slow family death that never is redeemed.
Advice guru Liz Pryor maintains much of how we relate with family members has to do with the definitions made about us in our childhood, so that we revert to childhood labels and behavior when we are faced with those who know us from those early days. Then to escape those labels, we ourselves escape. Some of us simply avoid family gatherings or are less engaged when they occur. Some of us remove ourselves entirely from the group, especially if there is no compromise.
Is there a way to make things better and stop the dying process that invades the family core? Pryor says that it can happen through a values change. She reminds us we must recognize the adage, life is short, and decide what is important after all. Her closing remark is this:
“So, wake up tomorrow and take a careful look at your relationships with your brother, your sister, your mom and dad, your kids, your grandparents and, remember, they are the chosen people in your life, for better or for worse.
If you can make it better, try.
There isn't a person on the planet who regrets making the effort to bring a family member back to the front row of their life.”
Will it bring the loved one back or if you’re the one who is estranged, will it mend the problems that caused the rift that faces you to grow? Perhaps it won’t, but the advice is still to try because that effort may not be rewarded in the ways you want and yet you can find solace that you tried.
