A commitment to compassionate presence: A call for humanity

David Roberts — I have discovered that for me, spiritual growth is driven by intent to develop a different perspective and by paying attention to connections in the universe that facilitate that different perspective.

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The connections that we discover sometimes defy logic. Logic however, is based primarily on linear human laws. In the matter of the divine, logical and linear thinking does not apply. My shift in thinking was necessitated by the challenges presented by my daughter Jeannine's death at the age of 18 on 3/1/03, due to a rare form of cancer.

I  have received signs of her presence throughout my journey. I interpreted these occurrences as an invitation to maintain a relationship with her, albeit in a different form. I welcomed her signs and the opportunity to continue the bond that we developed on earth. However, in the beginning of my journey, those signs were a bittersweet reminder of who and what I lost. Today her signs are a joyful reminder of what I have gained. The bond that we share goes beyond the father-daughter connection that we shared during her lifetime. She has turned into a wise spiritual teacher, who has allowed me to look beyond the confines of death to develop not only a greater understanding of not my place in the world, but my place in relation to humanity in general. Panache Desai has alluded to the fact that death can be an invitation to experience life. I would say that the struggle with Jeannine's death turned into an invitation to embrace life by a different set of rules, rules that have allowed me to find clarity and a sense of purpose that I never thought possible.

I want to give you a glimpse into the depth of the spiritual relationship that Jeannine and I share. In the days leading up to Jeannine's tenth angelversary date, I was drawn to a song called “Africa” by Toto. I watched the video of the song on Thursday 2/28/13. It was actually uploaded on You Tube, on 3/1/09. Needless to say, I believed there was a deeper meaning that Jeannine wanted me to discover. I listened to this song repeatedly, until this passage registered with me:

She's coming in 12:30 flight

That was all I needed to hear

Jeannine died at exactly 12:30 AM on 3/1/03.

After sitting with this for a bit, I felt a nudge to do some research on the Internet regarding the song's meaning and to discover its relevance to my journey. I found a quote from David Paich, of Toto, one of the songwriters of "Africa":

"At the beginning of the '80s, I watched a late night documentary on TV about all the terrible death and suffering of the people in Africa. It both moved and appalled me and the pictures just wouldn't leave my head. I tried to imagine how I'd feel about it if I was there and what I'd do."(Retrieved from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Africa_(Toto_song)

I initially felt that Paich's statement was empathetic in nature; but after further thought, it appeared to be more about his willingness to bear witness to the challenges of a culture with which he had no prior experience. In bearing witness, he allowed himself to be emotionally moved and in the process, express compassion for the African people. Compassion is an emotion that if genuinely expressed can break down cultural barriers and in the process create an atmosphere of cooperation and universality. In order to create universality, we must release any perceptions of uniqueness that we have. The process, if done with integrity, will reveal many lessons; lessons that we will need to own if we are to be part of a universalistic whole.

Here are some other observations from my experience with "Africa":

What if we believed that we lived additional lives and that our souls contracted for the challenges we were going to face in any incarnation of ourselves? What if in those incarnations, we chose to be black or Native American, gay or lesbian, and faced the challenges inherent to those cultures and individuals? Would we be more compassionate? Would we be more open to learning? Would we be willing to look beyond the surface for universal qualities that we all possess, that would contribute to a humane and peaceful planet?

If we could truly adopt as a universe, a commitment to compassionate presence and service to others as a way of life, we wouldn't need to express regret that it took death or another life-altering transition to develop this perspective. Choosing to live with regret keeps us stuck and prevents us from becoming whole. By committing to consistently treating others from all walks of life with compassion, we take regret out of the equation. Plus we create a world where integrity, benevolence, and absence of ego rules. When we are faced with addressing the challenges that life brings, we can focus on refining this perspective, rather than developing it as a result of our struggle with those challenges. As a result, we create a world that comes closer to what we envision life on the other side to be like. We create heaven on earth.

We are each an infinitesimally small part of the universe. And yet, we each carry the entire universe inside of us. - Dancing-with-Spirit

 

About the Author

David J. Roberts, LMSW, CASAC, became a parent who experienced the death of a child, after his daughter Jeannine died of cancer on 3/1/03 at the age of 18. He is a retired addiction professional and is also an adjunct professor in the psychology and psychology-child life departments at Utica College, Utica, New York. Mr. Roberts also developed a topics course on Parental Bereavement issues, and has taught a Death, Dying and Bereavement course for Utica College.  He is a volunteer for Hospice and Palliative Care, Inc, in New Hartford, New York and a member of the All Inclusive Care for Children Coalition.

Dave has presented trainings in counseling and education and has published articles in several journals. He has co-authored two books with Linda Findlay of Mourning Discoveries. One is on navigating grief during the holidays and the other is on pet loss.  

Dave is also a contributing writer for the Open to Hope Foundation. Dave has also appeared on Healing the Grieving Heart and the Ron Villano show. To learn more about Dave and his work, visit his website www.bootsyandangel.com.   

Similar paths — helping the bereaved against dependency

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David Roberts —I have previously written about grief work with chemically dependent clients (The Challenges of Grief Work with Chemically Dependent Individuals; Recovering the Self, Vol. II, No. 3). I have viewed grief issues differently with chemically dependent individuals since the death of my daughter Jeannine over eight years ago. I have discovered many similarities in the journeys between chemically dependent individuals, who are working to achieve sobriety, and non-chemically dependent, bereaved individuals who are trying to adjust to life without their loved ones. These similarities have facilitated success for individuals who are both dealing with recovery from addiction to legal and illegal substances and those who are dealing with ongoing grief issues.• The need for adequate support: Chemically dependent individuals rely on support from self-help groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, to help them attain a drug-free lifestyle. Regular attendance at these self-help meetings helps them feel less isolated during their recovery journey. Support, in addition to counseling and/or therapy has proven to be, in my experience, most successful in helping chemically dependent individuals. Counseling with a therapist trained in grief, loss and trauma can also be a successful combination with support groups, for bereaved individuals. Individuals who have experienced loss will go to a support group best suited to meet their needs. For example, a parent who has experienced the death of a child will go to a bereaved parents support group. Inadequate support networks for both grieving and chemically dependent individuals can be detrimental to their progress. Inadequate support for chemically dependent clients can mean relapse to their drug of choice. Grieving individuals whose support networks are inadequate may become victims of complicated grief. For chemically dependent individuals who have specific grief issues, attendance at a support group specific to their loss is also indicated.

• Stories are the key: The significance of the journeys of both chemically dependent and bereaved individuals is enhanced by the stories that they tell about their addiction and their deceased loved ones respectively. Storytelling is therapeutic for both recovering chemically dependent and bereaved individuals because it helps them make sense out of their worlds. The stories that chemically dependent individuals tell about their struggle with addiction serve to reinforce for them the importance of abstinence and recovery. For bereaved individuals, their deceased loved ones come to life through the stories that they tell.

• Emphasis on being proactive: Bereaved individuals are encouraged to develop their own personal self-care plans, which can include ways that they can nurture themselves physically, psychologically, spiritually, and emotionally after loss. Chemically dependent people are also encouraged to develop relapse prevention plans. These self-generated plans help bereaved individuals identify their triggers or stressors contributing to return to active use and ways to manage those stressors. Self-care and relapse prevention plans should be modified, as the bereaved and chemically dependent individual’s needs change. Dealing with ongoing grief issues should also be a part of a relapse prevention plan for a chemically dependent client.

• The journeys of both the chemically dependent person and bereaved individual are circular rather than linear. A chemically dependent individual may re-experience urges to use at any time in their recovery due to contact with old people, places, and things that contributed to their use, or due to stress. For the bereaved, the continuous occurrence of milestone events (i.e. birthdays, death anniversary dates etc) can result in a return to the intense emotional pain of early grief. Both chemically dependent and bereaved individuals learn to live with a certain amount of pain or sadness. This sadness or pain for chemically dependent individuals originates from the past irreversible consequences of their use (i.e. lost jobs, failed marriages; past legal system involvements). For bereaved individuals, the pain or sadness is due to the permanent physical absence of their loved ones.

• Both populations can experience disenfranchised grief: Disenfranchised grief occurs when “the bereaved are denied an opportunity to express their feelings.” The grief may be hidden because the individual is not “considered entitled to these feelings” (Kastenbaum, 2009). Sibling grief is one type of disenfranchised grief that I have observed in both populations. Many times, siblings question whether or not the loss of their brother or sister is theirs to grieve due to the amount of attention given to the parents’ pain. Elizabeth Devita-Raeburn eloquently discusses this issue in her book The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss. I also believe that chemically dependent individuals experience disenfranchised grief when a friend who is chemically dependent dies as a result of an intentional or unintentional drug overdose.

• Use of creative expression to find meaning: Bereaved individuals and chemically dependent individuals both use a variety of creative outlets to express the challenges of their struggles with addiction and loss, respectively. Music, art, and poetry are three types of creative expression that seem to have been the most popular with the chemically dependent clients and bereaved individuals who have crossed my path. Allow your clients to use the form of creative expression that they find to be the most meaningful in their journeys with loss and in their recovery efforts.

• Design of individualized interventions: Whether you are dealing with chemically dependent and/or bereaved individuals, treatment is always client driven. The interventions that you utilize with both bereaved individuals and chemically dependent individuals need to be tailored toward the problems and challenges they identify.

• Chemically dependent and bereaved individuals need to rewrite their life stories to account for their new reality: Chemically dependent individuals learn to live life again without the presence of drugs in their life. They may also mourn the loss of their drug of choice. Bereaved individuals rewrite their life stories to account for the physical absence of their loved ones. The ability for both chemically dependent and bereaved individuals to negotiate their journeys to find meaning again is the key to their long-term success.
In closing, there are other things to consider when working with chemically dependent and/or bereaved individuals:

• Chemically dependent individuals need to be constantly reminded about the need for abstinence from legal and illegal drugs, in order for grief work to be effective.

• Professionals can be most helpful in helping these population and find meaning and significance through listening to their stories, celebrating progress, and connecting them with appropriate support networks. In this context, the professional becomes a companion and an important part of the journey.

• Remember that not everyone grieves or attains sobriety the same way. It is our job to understand individual needs and strengths, and work from that perspective.

Suggested Reading: Kastenbaum, Robert J., (2009) Death, Society, and Human Experience (10th Ed). Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.)

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About the Writer

David J. Roberts, LMSW, CASAC, became a bereaved parent after his daughter Jeannine died of cancer on 3/1/03 at the age of 18. He has been employed in the addictions field for 24 years and is an adjunct professor at Utica College. Dave is the owner of Bootsy and Angel Books, LLC whose mission is to provide resources on grief for bereaved individuals and professionals. He has co-authored two books on navigating through grief during the holidays and pet loss and has presented at national conferences of 'The Compassionate Friend's and 'Bereaved Parents of the USA'. Dave is also a contributing writer for the Open to Hope Foundation.