Tales from an exhausted housewife: Being “That Mom” on the playground

Samantha Torrence - If you are an exhausted housewife and mother as I am, then you know who “That Mom” is at the local playground. She has a kid or more, seems to have energy and actually plays with her children. You on the other hand just brought the kids to the playground to get them out of your hair for a while. You want to read a book or just zone out, and if you are with your friends you might want to catch up on how everyone is while you kids are left to their own devices to entertain themselves.  You probably have a few extra pounds around the middle that just won’t go away no matter how hard you try, but “That Mom” who must have all the answers seems to be physically fit or well on her way.  You look at that woman and you envy her, you might even hate her, and you also think that she thinks she is better than you.

I was “That Mom” the other day.

I came to the playground on a sunny day to enjoy the fresh air, and hopefully to wear my little darlings out enough that they would have a good night’s sleep.  I have no idea what got into me, it could have been that I lost a few extra pounds and could breathe easier; it could have been the sunshine that gave me a bit of energy; and it probably had something to do with breathing air that wasn’t so rife with pollution.  I looked at the playground and decided I was going to play with my kids and get some exercise. That decision led to me being on the other side of those exhausted stares of despair from four other mothers. I knew those stares because I had made them many times. Those stares that said, “Great now my kid is going to want me to get up and play, and I am tired. You probably think you are so much better than me.”

Well ladies I do not. I am your sister in exhaustion who simply is turning her life around after 10 years of constant pregnancy and recuperation.  I am not losing weight because I am trying, I am losing weight because I am visiting my husband who is a geo-bachelor in the Army and sexercise is amazing. I had energy because the sun was out and it counteracted my Seasonal Affective Disorder which is common in northern states. I played because I was tapping into my inner child and wanted to spend time with the kids.

I absolutely do not fault anyone for wanting their little darlings to just leave them the hell alone for an hour and go play! I don’t blame you for getting frustrated that your kids now might expect you to get up and play just because another parent is. My philosophy is this: I played alone as a kid or on the playground without the constant hen pecking of my mother and so can my kids. So can yours for that matter.  I understand that society is pressuring you to have a kid and chain attached to your ankle at all times. I understand that sometimes the perfect mother is the mother who is exhausted and just wants an hour to reflect while her kids learn social rules, independence, social skills, and creativity on the playground. Whoever you are, this expectation that you have to be in your children’s business at all times is unrealistic. The playground isn’t just for kids; it is for parents who might need a break.

Do not let “That Mom” make you feel bad. If she is judgmental then so be it. Let her exhaust herself while she is trying to make up for whatever failings she thinks you have. Or if she is not judgmental then let her entertain your kids while you take your well-deserved break.

If you have a tale to tell, or want a little advice from a mother of 4 very rambunctious children contact me by visiting my author’s page.

Parental Hypocrisy Is Not a Good Parenting Style

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Bruce Sallan -A Dad's Point of View - I’m an avid skier and this past season I took on a role I never expected. I became the “helmet police,” whenever I saw people not wearing a helmet. I did my police work in a polite, respectful manner, but I couldn’t help but get a bit more passionate when I confronted “Parental Hypocrisy” in its finest: with skiing parents and their kids. Parental Hypocrisy is not taught in Parenting Classes or is a recommended Parenting skill or style.

It is amazing to me how many moms and dads will demand and require their children wear a helmet while not wearing one themselves. What are they teaching their children? So, being the shy, retiring guy that I am, I will ask these moms and dads what they think about asking their children to wear a helmet, while not modeling that behavior. Sometimes I get sheepish responses; sometimes I get “it’s none of your business” responses, and sometimes I just get blank looks.

My arguments for wearing a helmet are not just the typical safety ones. I use my personal story of surviving a bad ski accident, with a helmet, and quote my neurologist who said, “If you weren’t wearing a helmet, you would have been dead or worse.” My other argument is the one that usually hits home as I ask the helmet-less person if they ever eat lunch, in the ski lodge? Of course, everyone says, “Yes.”

I then ask if they happen to notice what most of the college-age men and women are doing. If they don’t answer, “drinking,” I remind them of those images we all have
in ski lodges, at lunch, of lines of empty beer bottles/glasses in front of so many skiers and snow-boarders at lunchtime. I then ask the “helmet-less” if they think that those beer drinkers, after they’ve consumed their 5 or 6 steins say to each other, “You know, I think it would be irresponsible of us to go out and ski now, don’t you think?” At that point, the discussion is over. Point, set, and match. Many people have actually immediately gone to their cars and got the helmets they left behind because “it’s such a pretty day” and I even ran into one guy, with his new helmet, weeks after we’d spoken.

Parental hypocrisy has existed as long as there have been parents. I imagine Abraham may have tried to discuss the danger of drinking too much with his six sons, but I wonder if he did it while drinking some wine? Did King Tut admonish his sons about the dangers of driving a chariot after drinking too much, and then take his custom-made Mustang chariot, with the flame decals on its side, for a drive with Nephrite, while swigging from his bota bag?

Thinking a bit more contemporary, do you think that Martin Sheen tried to teach his son, Charlie, the wisdom of moderation? Or, did Kirk Douglas teach Michael the virtue of fidelity, and walk the walk at the same time?

I have proclaimed repeatedly, in print and on radio, how our children watch what we do carefully, all the time, and with great impact. There isn’t much we parents do that our children, especially once they’re in their teens, do not know that we do. Don’t be naïve. Model the behavior you want them to live. Don’t be a parental hypocrite.

Let’s talk about some of the most common examples: drinking, smoking, and drugs. Parent who drink must know that they must demonstrate responsible drinking if they ever have the least hope or expectation that their children will do the same. That means you don’t drink and drive. If, God forbid, you get a DUI then you must take full responsibility for it, pay the consequences, change your behavior, and be honest about all of it with your children, assuming they are old enough to understand it.

If you drink and your behavior when drinking is not pleasant, consider going to AA yourself or moderating your drinking. The kids see how you act and it’s not a lesson you want them to learn (from you) at all!

Smoking cigarettes is much the same thing. How can you possibly expect your children not to smoke if you do?

As for drugs, especially marijuana, this is a classic example where parents may think that they might be able to fool their children and imbibe in private without them knowing. Forget it - they will know. Just like you will find out if/when they drink or do drugs. Whether it’s the smell, a leftover ash or device, or any other residue inadvertently discovered or purposely found by your children, they will find out. Your kids are as smart as you are.

When I said “purposely” in the previous paragraph, it was a deliberate choice of words. Your kids like to explore your private living areas. Again, don’t be naïve. If you have a stash of drugs, liquor, pornography, or any other vice, they will likely discover it. So, again I say, you must model the behavior you want your kids to learn. It’s best that you walk the walk and talk the talk.

Bruce’s first book, A Dad’s Point-of-View: We ARE Half the Equation is available at
Amazon and the store at BruceSallan.com: http://brucesallan.com/index.php/store.
Bruce Sallan’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is carried in over 100 newspapers
and websites worldwide. Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s
Point-of-View,” his one-hour radio show, which is available anytime, via live
stream, or to download for free on BruceSallan.com. Everything about Bruce’s radio
show, including which stations carry it “live,” and all of Bruce’s writing and other
information, is accessible at: http://www.brucesallan.com. Bruce created and
launched a website for those who would like Tech help, called BoomerTechTalk
(http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com). Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s
Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow
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