The joy of meeting people

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A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan - Meeting people in real life, in person, is cool.  I write and speak a great deal about technology and social interaction.  It’s my belief that modern technology offers wondrous things but, as with just about everything, there is a down side.  That “down side” is that you can be lulled to believe that you can do everything you need to do from the comfort of your computer.  Yes, you can do much more than at any time in human history, but the value of direct people contact cannot be replaced by any new tech device, app, software, or web site.

This was dramatically demonstrated on a recent trip to New York, where I combined business and pleasure and found the pleasure of meeting people to be not only joyful but also informative and invaluable in ways I’d almost forgotten about, considering my attachment to technology.

I’m not bashful, to say the least, so I talk to everyone.  Literally.  I struck up conversations with every taxi driver whose cab I entered.  In the crowded subway, I met a young Danish girl of Vietnamese heritage and in the space of one stop I learned her incredible story.  Being “social” got my son and me into the airline lounge for free, when our plane was delayed, whereas sitting back would’ve stuck us in the main, loud, uncomfortable airport waiting areas for several hours.

We parents model the behavior we want from our children.  My son got a great lesson in assertiveness, through observing my regular interactions with various people we encountered. To him, however, it was also sprinkled with an equal amount of me embarrassing him (24, 25 times?) by just being “Me!.”

In the space of four and a half days, some of the things we experienced from this direct interaction with people and places were:

~~ We met a young girl, while smashed together on the subway, who was doing a world tour before beginning medical school in Holland. In the space of ONE stop, I learned that her parents were boat people after the fall of Saigon, that her father was rescued by a Norwegian ship while in his early teens, and that he attended high school in Holland, where he met his wife who was also a survivor of the horrid post-war times in Vietnam.  He became an engineer and they had five children, the youngest of which was next to me, telling me her wonderful, engaging story.  As you can see, this is who I am -- talking to everybody, loving it, learning, interacting -- and as you can also understand, it’s why I probably under-estimated the number of times I embarrassed my son.

~~ We hung out with my virtual friend Adam Cohen (@dadarocks) who took us to the most incredible restaurant for dessert, Max Brenners. Adam is one of those people I “knew” from Twitterl, but now got the pleasure of not only meeting but getting to really “know.” There is no doubt that 140 characters have their limits!  Adam was beyond gracious to me and David, and David got a taste of how a New Yorker handles things, since Adam was born and raised there, and has his own unique style of “getting it done.”  His style is persistent, direct, and explains his 76 Klout (a Twitter measure of influence) and other top-of-the-list statistics as a dad blogger/influencer.

~~ Ground Zero where I was moved and impacted in ways I hadn’t imagined.



~~ I met a taxi driver from a small town in Ghana, who knew Pastor Frank Bennin, who runs the girl’s school that I’ve been supporting through my writing and radio show. Pastor Bennin’s kids befriended me on Facebook - yet another marvel of the Internet that we’d connect this way.  But, what are the odds that I’d meet a man from Ghana, on a trip to New York, who happened to know the little township of Agona Swedru?



~~ I spoke at the #140conf*, a Social Media conference where I met dozens of people that I only knew “virtually.” We discussed, shared, and got to know each other in ways that non-verbal, non-direct communication just cannot do.  In many cases, we came up with business ideas and other things we might join forces on that never would have happened without the face-to-face time.

~~ I met people of every ethnicity, stripe, color, and any other human distinction by visiting Times Square, day and night, The Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Macy’s (the largest department store in the world), The Empire State Building, Rockefeller Center and the “Top of the Rock,” Chinatown (for dim sum and boba), saw four musicals (“Spiderman” - front row seats, “Memphis,” “Mary Poppins,” and “Baby, It’s You”), visited FAO Schwartz where I did a Tom Hanks (from the movie, “Big”) and danced/played on their full-size walk and play on piano, Greenwich Village for pizza at the infamous “John’s Pizza” restaurant, The Apple Store, the gorgeous display of masks in front of The Plaza Hotel, did a video interview with my son in Times Square, watched the “Today” show being broadcast “live,” and visited the Harry Potter exhibit at the Discovery Museum. Plus, taxi, taxi, taxi, walk, walk, walk, subway, subway, subway.

So, do you think getting out and seeing the world, interacting with people, learning and doing it away from the comforts of home, is worth it? I sure do!

*Here’s a link to my travelogue article on the trip to New York which has a link to view my “talk:” http://bit.ly/140confNY

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Bruce’s first book, A Dad’s Point-of-View: We ARE Half the Equation is available at Amazon and the store at BruceSallan.com: http://brucesallan.com/index.php/store. Bruce Sallan’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is carried in over 100 newspapers and websites worldwide. Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View,” his one-hour radio show, which is available anytime, via live stream, or to download for free on BruceSallan.com.  Everything about Bruce’s radio show, including which stations carry it “live,” and all of Bruce’s writing and other information, is accessible at: http://www.brucesallan.com. Bruce created and launched a website for those who would like Tech help, called BoomerTechTalk (http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com). Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

Parental Hypocrisy Is Not a Good Parenting Style

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Bruce Sallan -A Dad's Point of View - I’m an avid skier and this past season I took on a role I never expected. I became the “helmet police,” whenever I saw people not wearing a helmet. I did my police work in a polite, respectful manner, but I couldn’t help but get a bit more passionate when I confronted “Parental Hypocrisy” in its finest: with skiing parents and their kids. Parental Hypocrisy is not taught in Parenting Classes or is a recommended Parenting skill or style.

It is amazing to me how many moms and dads will demand and require their children wear a helmet while not wearing one themselves. What are they teaching their children? So, being the shy, retiring guy that I am, I will ask these moms and dads what they think about asking their children to wear a helmet, while not modeling that behavior. Sometimes I get sheepish responses; sometimes I get “it’s none of your business” responses, and sometimes I just get blank looks.

My arguments for wearing a helmet are not just the typical safety ones. I use my personal story of surviving a bad ski accident, with a helmet, and quote my neurologist who said, “If you weren’t wearing a helmet, you would have been dead or worse.” My other argument is the one that usually hits home as I ask the helmet-less person if they ever eat lunch, in the ski lodge? Of course, everyone says, “Yes.”

I then ask if they happen to notice what most of the college-age men and women are doing. If they don’t answer, “drinking,” I remind them of those images we all have
in ski lodges, at lunch, of lines of empty beer bottles/glasses in front of so many skiers and snow-boarders at lunchtime. I then ask the “helmet-less” if they think that those beer drinkers, after they’ve consumed their 5 or 6 steins say to each other, “You know, I think it would be irresponsible of us to go out and ski now, don’t you think?” At that point, the discussion is over. Point, set, and match. Many people have actually immediately gone to their cars and got the helmets they left behind because “it’s such a pretty day” and I even ran into one guy, with his new helmet, weeks after we’d spoken.

Parental hypocrisy has existed as long as there have been parents. I imagine Abraham may have tried to discuss the danger of drinking too much with his six sons, but I wonder if he did it while drinking some wine? Did King Tut admonish his sons about the dangers of driving a chariot after drinking too much, and then take his custom-made Mustang chariot, with the flame decals on its side, for a drive with Nephrite, while swigging from his bota bag?

Thinking a bit more contemporary, do you think that Martin Sheen tried to teach his son, Charlie, the wisdom of moderation? Or, did Kirk Douglas teach Michael the virtue of fidelity, and walk the walk at the same time?

I have proclaimed repeatedly, in print and on radio, how our children watch what we do carefully, all the time, and with great impact. There isn’t much we parents do that our children, especially once they’re in their teens, do not know that we do. Don’t be naïve. Model the behavior you want them to live. Don’t be a parental hypocrite.

Let’s talk about some of the most common examples: drinking, smoking, and drugs. Parent who drink must know that they must demonstrate responsible drinking if they ever have the least hope or expectation that their children will do the same. That means you don’t drink and drive. If, God forbid, you get a DUI then you must take full responsibility for it, pay the consequences, change your behavior, and be honest about all of it with your children, assuming they are old enough to understand it.

If you drink and your behavior when drinking is not pleasant, consider going to AA yourself or moderating your drinking. The kids see how you act and it’s not a lesson you want them to learn (from you) at all!

Smoking cigarettes is much the same thing. How can you possibly expect your children not to smoke if you do?

As for drugs, especially marijuana, this is a classic example where parents may think that they might be able to fool their children and imbibe in private without them knowing. Forget it - they will know. Just like you will find out if/when they drink or do drugs. Whether it’s the smell, a leftover ash or device, or any other residue inadvertently discovered or purposely found by your children, they will find out. Your kids are as smart as you are.

When I said “purposely” in the previous paragraph, it was a deliberate choice of words. Your kids like to explore your private living areas. Again, don’t be naïve. If you have a stash of drugs, liquor, pornography, or any other vice, they will likely discover it. So, again I say, you must model the behavior you want your kids to learn. It’s best that you walk the walk and talk the talk.

Bruce’s first book, A Dad’s Point-of-View: We ARE Half the Equation is available at
Amazon and the store at BruceSallan.com: http://brucesallan.com/index.php/store.
Bruce Sallan’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is carried in over 100 newspapers
and websites worldwide. Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s
Point-of-View,” his one-hour radio show, which is available anytime, via live
stream, or to download for free on BruceSallan.com. Everything about Bruce’s radio
show, including which stations carry it “live,” and all of Bruce’s writing and other
information, is accessible at: http://www.brucesallan.com. Bruce created and
launched a website for those who would like Tech help, called BoomerTechTalk
(http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com). Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s
Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow
Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

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Over-Stepping As a Step-Parent

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A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan

As I begin writing this column, I find it ironic how little I’ve written about conflicts in my home between my wife, my boys, and me over our blended family. My wife “inherited” my two boys and my two dogs when she agreed to marry me. Having not had kids, she never expected to be a step-mom, let alone to two boys living at home full-time.

Oddly enough, I never expected to marry again and certainly if I did, I only expected to marry a divorced mother. So, my wife and I defied our respective assumptions, expectations, and even dating history when we got together. To be clear, up front, I lucked out and got the better of this deal, without a doubt. Since my wife rarely reads my columns, this is only written because it’s the truth and something of which I am proud.

But, and isn’t there always a “but,” we’ve recently confronted what I suspect is a familiar scenario in many blended families. Without revealing all the details, I will just declare that a recent incident between my older son and my wife resulted in an explosion of sorts, from her, out of frustration, anger, and maybe a feeling of impotence.

The fact that this hasn’t happened before was the more striking realization to me. When I further reflected on the details, I realized that it was overdue, that my son and I handled it as well as we could, and that my wife was a true heroine by not “exploding” earlier or more often.

Like many families, we have our ups and downs and have gone, on a regular and irregular basis, to a therapist. We have been blessed to find a good therapist. Yes, I mean “blessed,” because I believe they are rare. And, we’re further blessed that he serves our whole family, as each one of us likes, relates, and respects him. He has succeeded in making each of us believe that he hears our point-of-view and that he doesn’t take sides. The only “side” he takes is the “right” one. I believe that with all my heart and soul or I’d not put my family’s emotional health in his hands.

One of the things he had advised my wife was that she should largely stay out of the day-to-day parenting, given that I am the stay-at-home-parent. He further said this because she is not only relatively new to their lives, but has joined our family after my sons and I have gone through many turbulent times, of which she can never fully understand.

My wife has taken that advisement mostly to heart. Consequently, we’ve split the parental responsibilities to reflect our respective interests, availability, and our boy’s needs. I say “our boys” because, thank God, my wife now does think of them as her boys, too. She should, as they are. For those readers unaware of my story, you should know that my boy’s biological mom is not in the picture at all and lives hundreds of miles away.

My younger son David, in fact, truly sees Lauren as his mother and she has earned that respect and status in his life. David’s older brother, Will, has more of a memory of his biological mother and met Lauren when he was older and, consequently, he’s been more resistant to her effort to ingratiate herself with him. Plus, frankly, he’s the more tempestuous of our two boys. He’s the proverbial “squeaky wheel.”

The division of labor is basically as follows. I do the day-to-day shuttling of the boys to school, doctor’s appointments, houses of friends, lessons and such, etc. while Lauren has taken on the task of teaching them manners, chosen the chores they’re to do, and supervises their implementation and execution to her exacting standards. When one of the boys requires discipline or consequences, I am the “bad guy,” though I often will discuss what to do, privately, with Lauren.

It was working pretty well until the day Lauren “discovered” a transgression that had become a repeated pattern with Will. Again, the details are completely irrelevant but that transgression resulted in her explosion, mentioned earlier. What Will and I both saw was an adult that was really mad, with plenty of cause, and really not behaving at her best, which included her rare use of expletives.

For me, I got to see a reflection of the all-too-frequent times that I had done the same thing to both my sons. The shock of that event silenced both me and Will, who normally is quite vocal in fighting back and/or defending himself, usually ending up backing himself into a corner with poor counter-punches or getting caught in a flagrant lie. This time, silence served him and me very well.

Later that evening, Lauren apologized to both of us. Her apology was not for reacting to what Will had done, but in the manner in which she reacted. Will was wrong, knew he was wrong, but her reaction had violated our “rules” that had been well established by us, with the guidance of our therapist.

Her apology meant a great deal to me because it came so quickly, wasn’t preceded by my asking for it, and it was clearly sincere. We discussed the problem that had precipitated the outburst and decided another therapy session was in order, as well as further decisions on “consequences” for Will.

I know this is a scenario that takes places in homes everywhere. That it takes place is not the question, but how it is handled is everything. I am grateful for how we all handled it and I hope to learn, get better at our respective roles, and grow from the experience.

Bruce’s first book, A Dad’s Point-of-View: We ARE Half the Equation is available at
the new store at BruceSallan.com: http://brucesallan.com/index.php/store. Bruce
Sallan’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is carried in over 100 newspapers and
websites worldwide. Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s
Point-of-View,” his one-hour radio show, which is available anytime, via live
stream, or to download for free on BruceSallan.com. Everything about Bruce’s radio
show, including which stations carry it “live,” and all of Bruce’s writing and other
information, is accessible at: http://www.brucesallan.com. Bruce created and launched a website for those who would like Tech help, called BoomerTechTalk
(http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com). Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow
Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.