Rosalind Russel played the part of Auntie Mame[/caption]Carol Forsloff — Remember your old aunt, or that person who most resembled the cliche, and was likely a bit eccentric, but that you may think of now as the one who gave you the rules and the compliments, some of which you wish you had right now? Perhaps it's time to dust her off and produce her for a role in American culture that once served people well, even if they wrinkled their noses and sniffed at the same time.
That old Auntie, a mother or father's sister, would appear at the house clucking, cajoling, and encouraging at the same time suggesting, complaining, and ordering as well. But the combination was a personality who was not into making friends with the children, or youth, but to be the never-changing, always-present someone who cared and cared enough to say so with those proverbial kisses, hugs and advice. The Aunt was unafraid to tell us our slips were showing, our hairstyles a little too much, or our grades not as good as our brains could bring.
A famous film, Auntie Mame tells of a middle-aged aunt who raises a young boy, while living through a flamboyant life but one filled with good direction for a developing heart and mind. The comedy, with its dramatic tones, brings the image of the Aunt to the character in endearing ways. It is that type of personality to be embraced by those wishing to assume the role in contemporary times.
At age 72, that's my goal, to be one of those folks who cares and isn't afraid to take risks in that caring. It is often the person who says nothing, and seeks to be liked above and beyond anything else, whose children end up becoming the rude, the rebellious, the sarcastic or the depressed, as the guideposts have been replaced with placating instead. So what if Junior flunks math. It's likely the teacher's fault. So what if little Becky is surrounded by adoring fans on the Internet, with supervision seen as intrusion as opposed to protection. The adult who needs to be a friend, in the same fashion as the young people themselves, can't be taken seriously when the role needs to be changed to an authority figure giving advice.
So the aunt in our midst might be that effective replacement, as the one who takes the time to listen, spends some time instructing, points out weaknesses while emphasizing virtues and giving information that will allow for growth, courage, risk, adventure and yet modesty, manners, and cultural development.
Medical experts remind us that adolescents brains are different from those of adults. How they perceive the world is influenced by a peer group or the media. And what they see is their parents wanting in their own behaviors. Their pre-frontal cortex is developing, and they begin to see new realities in a complex world. This makes them challenge ideas and behaviors of others. Are they looking for parents to model their own behaviors or for parents to set a guide for long-term development? In the short-run, the parent at that stage is the "me vs them" phenomenon," a period that is short-lived in one's life span. What young people say they remember most were the guideposts from those people in their lives unafraid to give them.
As one expert reminds us, it's not cool to be cool with your kids. A direction is given in a recent parenting magazine that gives the following recommendation: "Matt McGee, a high school counselor from central Pennsylvania with over 20 years of experience, believes that "the role of the parent is not to be a buddy or a friend" to their teens. "Don't lie to your kids, but maintain your role as an authority figure." He points out that teens need someone to rebel against, and it should be the parent."
But how does one control the rebellious teen? A religious counselor recommends the parent be honest by "taking the log out of their own eyes," at the same time offering a direction and guidance without seeing every kind of behavior as sinful or rebellious. For some of that behavior is acting out based on the growth of the human brain and the development of the teen. It is, however, the strength of a guidepost that needs to be separated from the need to be loved as a friend and more directed towards teaching the youth to be independent and mindful of the effect of one's behavior on others.
So for those parents in need of guidance themselves, or for those who have that gap in the parenting patterns, someone who stops by on occasion to stay awhile and care awhile may be just the supplement for the busy mom and dad these days. That's a great role for the childless woman or the uncle, or the couple whose own children have grown and gone, as well, who can bring that touch of something different and the unqualified love that young people need to survive.
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