Roots of self destructive behaviors offer explanations of suicide,aggression and war

SOS sign in Singapore reveals how suicide and other calamaties are an international phenomenon

Carol Forsloff--Her arm was filled with tiny cuts, and she wore a long-sleeved blouse to cover up the scars. Those who passed by her office would see her sitting, staring ahead as if in thought, as her long, sharp fingernails dug into her arms. A professional, well-paid and educated woman's involvement in self-destructive behavior offers a view into why people destroy themselves and others, physically or psychologically, that can often explain the reasons for suicide and individually-based disasters of all kinds.



Whether it is a pilot of a plane or captain of a ship that takes a purposeful dive or a woman seated at a desk cutting into her arm, the self-destructive behaviors that initiate pain and/or death are similar in many of their root causes and outcomes.



After a major tragedy, where someone commits suicide or a mass school shooting occurs where the perpetrator knows he/she will be killed in response, folks ask the questions why. Some of those answers lie in the roots of self-destructive behavior and the depression that often accompanies it, how it develops, then bubbles over, presenting a risk to the self and often to others as well.



While the initial response to a suicide or mass killing is to blame it on a present event, such as losing status, a job or a loved one, the deeper, underlying causes of self-destructive behavior lie in a complex, woven tapestry of events. These develop over time, layer by layer, until the tapestry unravels when something happens that becomes the person's “last straw.”



Scholars have found, for example, that post-traumatic stress does not occur after a single event but after a subsequent one that causes the victim the additional pain that is that “last straw.” Ordinarily both events are of a high stress nature. An example would be someone in high school who as the driver of a car crash suffers a series of injuries while a best friend and close relative is killed. That high school student several years later joins the military, is deployed to Afghanistan, watches buddies killed in roadside bombing incidents over a period of two years, then returns home with the diagnosis of PTSD. The precipitating event may be the war experience, but it is the accumulation of grief, depression and anger that can spill over and create an emotional pain that can last a lifetime.



Consider the girl who watches a mother and father quarrel daily, then goes to school past a group of bullies who threaten, throw things and sometimes strike her. She goes to school unprepared for the lessons, because it was impossible to study in a home where the parents violent quarrels create such toxicity the child cannot learn well. Chubby and poorly-dressed she feels out of place with the other little girls whom the teacher smiles upon and the boys whisper about. She doesn't get the Valentine's day cards that are quietly shared nor is she invited to the parties, but more than that she lacks the resources to change her status. Trapped, she begins scratching her arms, cutting her legs, and doing anything to relieve the emotional pain. She becomes the woman who sits in front of the window, digging her fingernails into arms that have been punished over many years. Now she can't go to the dentist without emotional trauma and offers a hysterical response when challenged.



These illustrations offer real stories of how self-destructive behavior can develop over time. Whereas PTSD is more than self-destructive issues, it is fused with these along with other behaviors that can cause emotional pain. The accumulation of hurts can offer a major hurdle when faced with an extraordinary event such as the death of a spouse or the loss of a valued job at the wrong time. It is then the long-suffering individual responds, sometimes violently, unable to use the perspective and reason that would prevent the worst.



On an interpersonal level, self-destructive behavior creates serious problems for the family, the community and the country. If there are thousands of these people who have suffered trauma over time and are willing to die for their beliefs, or more specifically to ease the pain of a future that appears hopeless and a past that haunts and creates self-loathing and terror, then the result can be an uprising or war. As the world watches Syria at war and the suffering and trauma of the children, in adulthood many of these same children may be among those whose behavior becomes aggressive and perhaps violent. Children of war are particularly vulnerable to self-destructive behavior if they are forced to continue to live under stress or relive the events in some other situation in the future.



For whole communities, those who are forced to live in poverty and surrounded by violence are also vulnerable to self-destructive behavior and often turn to crime, which itself can bring prison or even the death penalty, depending on the type of behavior. They are willing to take the risks because they have lived through violence and see life as futile at times and the efforts to change unrewarded.



How can self-destructive behavior be averted? The answer is both simple and complex. As with other emotional issues, it begins with child and family education. The family needs to be a source of comfort, understanding and guidance, so education can help facilitate communication and appropriate behavior. Children learn to cope with stress by observing how parents and other family members deal with it, so as adults master better ways of interacting with others, children have a model to observe. This type of education then is expanded to include the school and community. The school must offer education where all children can be successful and encouraged. Bullying behavior cannot be allowed on the streets, the schoolyard or the hallways of educational facilities or at work, since the bullying may trigger that “last straw” response when the child grows up or the worker doesn't get that anticipated raise.



And finally, despite the rights of people to have protection from harm, the availability of guns and weapons offers the ingredients that make the mix that coupled with the triggering event, or “last straw” will bring about the type of violence that is talked about at the time, then forgotten in the daily routines. It is the Sandy Hook type of tragedy that could be prevented and wasn't because of that self-destructive behavior, lack of family education and the precipitating events that may have occurred in the hallways of the school where the youth, Adam Lanza,  felt awkward and isolated. Self-destructive behavior resulted in the killing of schoolchildren, the death of the youth, and the community suffering.



It is that suffering that can be prevented through education on how self-destructive behavior develops, and once that is understood, programs developed for children and adults that can prevent accumulated trauma and finally the precipitating event.

Internet bullying particularly difficult for adolescents

Leanne Jenkins---Recent reports about youth committing suicide after being bullied on the Internet has been found troubling by media experts, and a psychologist tells us there are specific reasons why cyberbullying is particular abusive to adolescents.  So how do teenagers process cyberbullying experiences?

Family Institute clinician Hollie Sobel, Ph.D. tells us,  “While social media can serve to augment peer relationships in adolescence, it can also provide a forum for negative exchanges that can be quite hurtful.  Teenagers can’t emotionally process these painful experiences in the same way they do their face-to-face equivalents. There aren’t the same opportunities to work it out online.”

These are some of the ways in which online bullying experiences are particularly hurtful and different from other types of bullying that take place in high school relationships, according to Dr. Sobel.  On the Internet the cyberbully’s victim can see how perpetrator is being affected nor determine how others are responding who might come to his or her aid.  Furthermore, there is a lack of authority involved for adults to step in and help and the faster pace and lack of direct contact allows more people to join in the bullying activities.  Then the bullying can become so pervasive that the victim can’t escape from the negative statements and taunting.

Dr. Sobel goes on to say,“Despite these differences, however, a victim’s level of assertion doesn’t vary whether the bullying occurs online or in person,” says Dr. Sobel. “The impact is just as resonant, only these incidents happen in the isolation of the Internet where social support, which is so important for coping, is absent.”

Dr. Sobel uses her expertise in an Adolescent Group Therapy Program at the Family Institute

 

A bully in the family can create lifetime of abuse

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Carol Forsloff - Bullying can occur anywhere, including schools, neighborhoods, businesses, agencies, and groups of various kinds.  But bullying can also occur in families, which can make the problem even more insidious and long-lasting.

Martha spent a lifetime as the butt of family jokes.  She was often the scapegoat of her father, who would use her as a point of ridicule or put-down at the family table, in front of siblings and her mother.  The family pattern of parental bullying became part of how Martha was treated throughout much of her life as the model set by the father was used to isolate, humiliate and control.    Her inability to fight back because of the entrenchment of the bully behavior over time weakened Martha in her attempt to ward off bullying behavior in other relationships.   Her vulnerability attracted bullying in other life relationships, from her husband, children and friends.

This family pattern is not unusual but difficult to manage over time because objections to the bullying, or defenses against it, can be met with denial or further aggression from family members and friends.  It can be complicated  by individual relationships within intimate groups who may ally themselves with the bully  in order to shield themselves from also being victimized.

Experts on bullying tell us that manipulation is a key element in the behavior of bullies within the family.  The bully manipulates through emotions,  setting members of the family against each other and impacting the perception of others, their beliefs and attitudes.  Those most vulnerable are often the victims of the manipulation, and these include those most needy emotionally or individuals with health problems or disabilities.  The elderly needy often have the greatest vulnerability to family bullies.

Bullying in the family can be physical, psychological, financial, sexual or verbal, according to those involved in seeking solutions to this type of behavior.   It can also be deliberate neglect.    Statistics reveal that with the growth of aging family elders has also been an elevation in abuse and neglect of seniors.

What should folks do to escape the abuse from bullies in the family?   Experts tell us that adults must recognize how their own behavior can fuel the bully activity, to speak up, and not to accept the notion they are at fault.   If someone is making others think less of themselves, it is that individual who has the problem.  In other words, one should not accept the notion they are just being too sensitive or not understanding, especially if the abuse is prolonged and hurtful.

Children learnbullying behaviors from others.  For that reason, experts tell us adults must be conscious of the examples they set for their children.   When family members degrade each other to maintain or increase family status, that type of behavior can hurt the more fragile in the family group and teach the child that behavior is an acceptable means to control.  The Marthas in our midst can be helped by recognizing that the core value of the family to love and protect is risked for everyone when bullying becomes a family pattern.

Bullying: the cycle of abuse found in birds and humans

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Carol Forsloff - Larry ran home from school with six boys chasing, egged on by one of the louder, more aggressive of the boys, the leader and the bully whose popularity attracts power, as happens not just in schoolyards but in life and politics, a tactic that is used to do great harm to individuals and communities.

A new science study on birds reveals that not just humans grow up to be bullies if they have been victims themselves. The finding that abused Nazca bird babies become victimizers later on  verifies the social science research that has found the cycle of abuse in humans means the child who is bullied and abused is likely to victimize his/her own children.

The bully is often an anxious, fearful individual whose poor self concept is elevated by exerting control over others. The bully boy finds chasing Larry a way to secure a following, to ensure he has a base to make pronouncements after all. The crowd of children he attracts finds being part of the bully’s gang keeps any of them from becoming a target, as the “in group” members would thought of as safe.

People give power to bullies because of their own fears. They see how the bully exercises power and worry they may be next. The bully’s target particularly lives in fear because he or she never knows when and how pain will be delivered.

While many people think of bullies only at work and at school, these individuals are everywhere, using a variety of mechanisms to control. For some, a terrible silence added to the look of contempt can hurt every bit as words hurled in high decibels across a playground. Barbara Coloroso tells us in “The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander, “Bullying is not about anger . It is not a conflict to be resolved, it’s about contempt –a powerful feeling of dislike toward someone considered to be worthless, inferior or undeserving of respect. Contempt comes with three apparent psychological advantages that allow kids to harm others without feeling empathy, compassion, or shame. These are: a sense of entitlement, that they have the right to hurt or control others; an intolerance towards difference; and a freedom to exclude, bar, isolate, and segregate others.”

Multiplied by many, bullies can become a group, a powerful group with members attracted to the controlled sureness of the leaders, the aggressive speech, and the resolve to be one of the powerful in association with the bully to avoid becoming a target. This can help form extreme political parties or individuals who attract followers who act out what some interpret as rage, sometimes in violent ways.

The bully is therefore a Hitler, Stalin, Osama bin Laden, or the neighbor, and to end the behavior, experts tell us, adults in authority and peers need to get involved. In other words, it takes a village to end bullying, so that people become aware of its harm to communities and to themselves.

Is your workplace free of bullying?

 

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EDITOR -  Ruth Sirman works as a
mediator with companies, schools and individuals.  She observes there are serious similarities between schoolyard and workplace and certain signs and symptoms.  Do you have this problem in your workplace?




This is Sirman's
perceptions of the issue as noted in a recent press release on the
subject of workplace bullying.  She notes that understanding what
bullying is in the workplace is one of the most important steps in
eradicating it.

It is certainly a hot topic, with organizations
organized specifically against bullying, newspapers covering the topic,
states considering special regulations to stop workplace bullying,
attorneys targeting bullying, and conversations taking place in the
boardroom as well as the schoolroom on the toxicity of workplace
bullying.

Sirman says as a
mediator, "the main difference between school yard bullying and
workplace bullying is the height and age of the players. Other than that
they are scarily similar and very familiar to many of us who have
witnessed or lived one or both scenarios.

Because Sirman works as a
mediator she is able to look at not just the statistics on the cost of
workplace bullying, but the  how organizations can
prevent these problems from happening by knowing some of the signs and symptoms:

- Recognizing the
warning signs of a ‘Culture of Condoning’ that may be silently
supporting and rewarding inappropriate actions or behavior that include:

o Inappropriate jokes particularly at the expense of particular groups or individuals

o Apologies that seem
insincere or that are offered repeatedly – “Sorry - I probably shouldn’t
tell this joke” or “Oops – I need to watch out for the Harassment
Police!” or similar off the cuff remarks

o People who seem overly nervous, quiet or reluctant to render an opinion or take a stand

o Comments such as “Oh
that’s just the way ___ is – s/he doesn’t mean anything by it” or “You
don’t want to bring that up – the last thing you want to do is get ___
gunning for you…”

Knowing the path and the characteristics of bullying in the workplace is an important step in eradicating the hurt and the impact on the workplace culture Sirman reminds us.

"The key to prevention
and addressing the situation is a recognition that this can and does
happen – even in the best of situations. And when it does show signs of

happening, it will not get better by ignoring, denying or minimizing it. "