Assault Rifle was owned by Adam Lanza’s mother[/caption]Carol Forsloff — The recent school shooting in Newton, Connecticut, has people talking about the environment that facilitates violence. Perhaps one of the more overlooked aspects, however, is that of the enabler, whose "helping" behaviors reinforce the worst behaviors. Sometimes this simply means not speaking up and confronting the behavior itself, therefore allowing it to continue.
The enabler, in the classic sense, is the one who sees love or help as giving in to the wishes of an individual who has problem behaviors. This giving in may mean buying drinks for the alcoholic, repeatedly bailing out those who get into trouble, ignoring the problem and hoping it may go away, or making excuses and rationalizations for those who have serious problems.
In the case of Adam Lanza, his mother had guns in the house and it is reported that she took her son to a rifle range to learn how to shoot. It also has been reported that she often spoke for her son and tried to develop some sense of socialization through her involvement with him. Adam was said to be a high-functioning individual with autism spectrum disorder, once defined as Asperger's syndrome, and an individual without a normal understanding of emotional and physical pain. Yet he was allowed to play violent video games and learn to handle guns. Newspapers report how his bedroom in the basement of the family home was filled with posters of assault rifles and military equipment. In some respects, this is in part an enabling behavior on the part of the parent.
In a greater social sense, the enabler is the one who sits by, listening to the violent speech, the angry remarks, the physical confrontations, the prejudice, and the hate that have become commonplace in many situations, including social media. Within families, the enabler allows the errant family members to continue their negative behaviors for fear of losing their love or creating family divisions. Yet, that enabling also exacerbates problems, as the individual being enabled never learns the consequences of doing things that may be harmful to himself/herself or others.
"I have a right to say what I want" or "They have a right to their own opinions" are often statements used by people to defend negative, prejudiced, or violent speech. This right is upheld often by the enabler to shield the problem person from any negative consequences. Yet in doing so, the behavior continues, as it is reinforced by the very act of listening to it and acknowledgment of the person's right to continue to speak or act in ways that hurt others. Instead it needs to be confronted for what it is, a problem that will likely continue or even get worse.
The Daily Kos makes a credible argument about what folks need to do to stop problem behavior and not continue to feel guilty about it. The argument is used concerning child abusers, but it could be applied to other social and behavioral problems.
"So don't be guilty. Do your bit to be part of the solution, not a contributor to the problem. Set aside your reluctance to discuss the behavior of Grandad, or Uncle Dave. If their behavior toward children is inappropriate, don't let it go. Most abuse still happens between adults and kids who are very well known to each other. Most abuse is happening in families, or within very close circles around you. It may not be happening in your family, but it is in many."
Whether it is child abuse or other social problems, experts tell us that by not speaking up and not confronting the problem, we simply allow it to foster. One of the ways to end violence in our communities and in our schools is to confront it in our families, social groups, friends and within ourselves and not be afraid to take responsibility or fear rejection, as the consequences of enabling or ignoring the problem are too great to ignore.
