Escape from the family. Why do some leave permanently?

Family traditions of eating together

Carol Forsloff---He never returned. The family had seen him last in town at a bar, having a drink with a group of friends. Most of the time those getaway occasions were brief, and he came home as usual, dropped into bed with a grumble, after a few goodnight declarations to those in the family still awake. Now he was gone, escaping from the family permanently and like others who do this, he left many questions, along with the sadness that came with his departure.



While we often hear of a father getting angry with the mother, the quarrel resounding through the home, like so many children hear; and then one day dear Dad walks away. This is the stuff of movies and of heartache. It appears to be a common enough theme in novels and films, as the main character speaks of being raised by some hard-working mother after the father skipped town. The allusion is that he left for some other woman or to chase a forever dream. Or folks speculate he leaves because he has been downtrodden by the boss at work or the wife at home. Many times these reasons are indeed the reasons why the father leaves the home, but often it is more than. Besides it is not just the father who leaves, or even the mother, but siblings as well who move away, either physically, psychologically or both, never to return to the family bosom. The pain from the absence can impact a family unit for years, with many of its members wondering why and wondering if one or all of those remaining were somehow to blame for the loss.



She was not even 30 when she left home, moved as far away as possible, only to write occasionally and then one day not at all. She told her friends and family she was leaving for vacation, even though she had quietly quit work and made arrangements for the long away move and the long time absence that was to come.



Margaret was the beauty of the family. She was catered to and adored by its members. In many ways she could do no wrong. Yet she had left the family that had thought of her in some ways as the adored one, admired without jealousy; but then she left without a fond farewell. For years the family would hear from her, but seldom, and one day not at all.



The disappearance of Margaret worried the family, although they knew the move from California to New York was a great distance, and that she had talked about having a life in a big city where opportunity would be greater than in the small California town she had left. They knew, however, she was well, for in those infrequent contacts she would say so. The family went on, with brothers and sisters having children, as Margaret's father, then her mother died, with Margaret remaining far away, with only a phone call to declare “I'm so sorry, but you might not understand.” Those words, however, could not explain the years between.



This type of behavior is not uncommon, and the reasons for leaving are various. Sometimes the leaving seems to offer no clues as to those reasons. Ordinarily, however, they have been festering for some time before the departure date. Sometimes there are regrets, but as time passes, the regrets turn in to why return, if there is no connection remaining that makes sense.



Experts offer some of the following reasons to explain why family members abandon their family. The reasons are based largely upon effects from “inherited ancestral wounds” that occur from an adult

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  the role (responsibility) or relationship was unwanted, and/or was accepted without understanding what it required; or...


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  the person feels chronically overwhelmed by responsibilities and/or stress (discomforts) in a relationship, role, or group (like a home or family); and/or...


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  s/he feels incompetent, guilty, and ashamed of "failing" a dependent person and/or obligation; and s/he...


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  (a) doesn't see how to correct these stressors, and loses hope of improvement; or (b) s/he doesn't want to correct them. 

For Margaret the issue had been the responsibility of a child out of wedlock in her teen years, giving the child up for adoption at the urging of her parents and feeling hopelessly overwhelmed with the experience, guilty and angry all at once for wanting to keep the child, yet knowing she could not, as she did not have training for work and was still mostly a child herself. She felt guilty for having the child and the relationship with the boy that had ended badly while angry with the parents for not wanting to raise the child themselves. Margaret did not fully understand her parents were older when she was born and not in good enough health to raise a young child because she focused on her own hurts, seeking an escape from the people who knew her past, as she left to find a new life.

But why do parents abandon their children? Often people say they simply cannot understand why any parent could ever leave a child. But as one woman discovered, in her search for answers about this behavior, parental abandonment can be part of family patterns. The child's parent abandons the family; the child grows up, has stresses, and leaves the family just like the parent. It can be a family pattern that to the individual feels familiar, normal and without the stigma and embarrassment it might cause for others who have not experienced the same behavior. 

A common experience occurs when someone becomes very ill. It is often then feelings of abandonment occur, whether the abandonment is real or simply appears that way. It is common, however, for family and friends to drift away when someone has Alzheimer's disease or cancer, as people will say, “I just can't stand to see her (or him) that way,” not realizing the pain that might cause the sick or dying person. Those who are left feel rejected at the very time they need family the most. But the reasons for the abandonment may be as complex as those given for family members leaving the family core itself. Sometimes the responsibility becomes overwhelming, and it becomes simpler simply not to look in the face of the person being left, as time moves on. 

Leaving the family core may be an easy or difficult decision, the one who leaves to avoid the pain of remaining and the rest of the family hurt by the leaving. It is, however, something that happens to many people as an ongoing puzzle that is often never completely solved.