Michael Cosgrove - I have received letters asking for my advice this week from the following: IMF boss Dominique Strausse-Kahn, President Obama, and an un-named and prominent Al-Qaida member.
(From Dominique Strauss-Kahn, prominent French socialist and Head of the International Monetary Fund)
Michael, Listen man, I'm in big trouble here and I need help fast. Some jumped-up hotel chambermaid has accused me of sequestration and serious sexual assault. Sorry about the paper but toilet paper is all the paper there is in this New York jail where they're keeping me. The food is terrible, as you can imagine. It's all McDonalds and Taco Bell to go's with coke. Where's the foie gras and champagne chrissakes? Anyway, do I allege that it's a dastardly plot by the USA to get rid of me at the IMF because I defend European interests? Or do I say that it's Nicolas Sarkozy who is trying to sabotage my French presidential bid? How about the "she is lying and just wants to sue me for bags of cash" argument? Oh, and do you think I should use Julian Assange's lawyers? After all, he has still not been taken back to Sweden to face his sexual assault charges. My wife will kill me when she finds out!
Hi Dom, yup, you look to be in a bit of a bind there. For the IMF idea, problem is that you were leaving anyway in a few months. That isn't gonna cut it. Sarkozy set it up? Sounds plausible, but he would have nailed you anyway with all your past sexual adventures here in France. He's been digging up the dirt I hear (from Carla as it happens.) She's making it up? Don't ask me to go there. I mean, do you know what happens to people who accuse women of making up sexual assault stories these days!? They die. As for Assange's lawyers, he's a total has-been, the public has forgotten him, so they aren't worth diddly-squat now. I know this all sounds not very helpful, but fact is you are in real deep doo-doo my friend. I would advise you to enter a plea of not guilty due to insanity. At least that way you'll get support from Manson fans... Yours, Mikey boy.
(From Barack Obama, President of the United States)
Hi Michael, how's things? Just thought I'd let you know about this Washington Times editorial about me. (Not surprising given that ALL their editorials are about me.) It's about the fact that I didn't go to the National Police Week ceremony here in Washington. I would have ignored it normally, but jeez, won't they ever let up? It's as if they have completely forgotten that I just got back from a visit to the Mexican border to support the work being done down there to prevent all those bad Mexican guys coming into the country to sell their drugs and slaughter each other on the streets of towns and cities in Arizona. And what about Bin Laden? Bush was incapable of doing it, I did, but do I get any gratitude and thanks? No, I didn't. How can I stop the WT being so vindictive? Don't they realize how tired I am after all my recent efforts? Don't they know I found out that Bin Laden watched pornography? Oh, and have you heard about Strauss-Kahn? It's obvious he doesn't have a wife like Michelle. She would kill me. Followed by the kids. Besides, after Clinton who the hell would want to mess around in the White House?
Hello Barack. You're right about messing around in the White House that's for sure. Maybe you should consider a hotel in Connecticut? Concerning the WT, maybe you should stand for prez in France next time? After all, the papers don't have the right here to overly-criticize the Prez. Sarkozy has launched more lawsuits against the French press this last two years than you've had Birther rumors! Kudos for the Bin Laden thing though. Just between you and me, did you get the intel by torturing Guantanamo prisoners or not? (Just askin'......) Seeya soon and don't forget you owe me a beer for the bet we made when you told me that the Tea Party would implode within two weeks and I said they'd surely find something else.
(From an un-named Al-Qaida interim leader)
I hope you don't mind me writing, but I found a USB key that the SEALS missed in the compound which contains your correspondence with Osama. You seem like a pretty cool guy who has his finger on the pulse of western opinion so I thought I'd ask you if you thought it would be a good idea to carry out a major attack in America to avenge our dear leader? Hoping for a reply soon and sorry I can't give my name.
I was only being cool to him as I wanted to gain his confidence, and it was that correspondence moreover (which I kept at my end and in which he gave his postal address) which I gave to the US government so they could go blow his brains out. So I hope that you will understand me if I say that with all due respect your idea is completely insane, as are you. Please know that you are on my blocked/spam lists.
(NB. I am a registered and qualified Personal Consultant to the Rich and Powerful. My rates are low, please email me for this month's special offers.)
