Samantha Torrence - Every once in a while when I am reflecting on my life I wonder how much easier or better it would have been and how much better my choices would have been if I knew then what I know now. It was not until the other day that it dawned on me how much better my life and choices could be now if I apply now what I knew then.I used to listen to the CD called “Pure Moods.” The songs on the disc were by Enya, Enigma, and various other artists that work in the New Age genre. When I would listen to the music I would traipse and dance around my room with a free spirit and a smile in my heart. Pure Moods has become the soundtrack of my childhood which comprised of living in a great neighborhood bordering farmland and beautiful spans of woods. I would go walking through those woods with my dog, have picnics in the field, and marvel in nature. When I was at home I would play with my cats, help my mother with crafts, and immerse myself in a fantasy land. My life fueled my imagination which helped me become an artist.People who knew me back then would describe me as calm, sweet, caring, and open.
The person from my childhood is a stark contrast to who I became in my late teens and twenties. During this time in my life I was exposed to injustice and heartbreak. The adversity I faced while joining organized religious activities and the spiritual, emotional, and mental abuse from my church ‘family,’ lead me to change who I was in order to please and gain acceptance. Radicalism was preached as a favorable trait in the Pentecostal churches that I inhabited for a time. The more I was sucked in the more unhappy I became with me and everyone around me. Darkness truly came over me when the radical extremist right wing Christian that I became was introduced to the world of politics and social media.
In the online political world anger, snark, nastiness, and hurt were the weapons of choice and I totally gave in to the culture. I embraced all there was and fully committed to helping whatever agenda caught my attention. Despite making many friends my unhappiness only grew and I felt like a part of my soul was missing. I felt like I had died.
Luckily a small spark of who I was began to fight back, and she reached out to the people around her who gladly took her hand. Years of slow and patient love and understanding from friends and family helped my spark ignite and grow to melt the ice that had formed around my heart. I began to think back to whom I used to be and why people liked me then, why my husband fell in love with me, and why people had admired me.
On my 30th Birthday last week while I was cleaning my kitchen the feelings that I had while I was a child came sweeping over me and I began to sing a song from Pure Moods called “Return to Innocence.” I popped onto Grooveshark and found the songs from the old CD and played them. I traipsed and danced around my kitchen while I cleaned and had the lightness and happiness flood into me. I realized that day that it was time to embrace my childhood wisdom that only knew tolerance and love and apply the world knowledge I had gained. My inner child had burst from me suddenly through song and since then the soul I thought I had lost had been coming out in a torrent of creative energy so strong that I had to take a week just to get it under control.
I have seen both sides of the political fence and there is so much darkness to be had. I have seen the sides of religious institution and the darkness is there too. It is only by following the laws of our universe, the pure teachings of Jesus, and being true to our hearts that we can truly live. It took me many years, but at the age of 30 I have decided to return to innocence.
