Everybody Hurts

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A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan - I took today’s column title from the very great REM song, Everybody Hurts.   I also happen to love The Corrs’ version of it as well. The lyrics are incredibly deep for a rock ‘n’ roll song, though I’m not sure that REM can be so simply classified in a music genre. Regardless, these lyrics are important and touched me the other day as I was walking and thinking. I do some of my best thinking when I walk around a small lake near our home.

Take comfort in your friends. Everybody hurts.

Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

(Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

Senseless Deaths

There have been a number of senseless deaths among high school kids in our community recently. Some by their own hand, another by an accidental drug or alcohol overdose where his friends, and I use that word loosely, apparently stood by when he died, afraid to call for help. Tragic.

My older son knew one of the boys who took his own life. In fact, that young man had slept over at our house numerous times. They grew apart when my son was no longer interested in hanging around kids whose number one interest in life was partying.  But, they had history and my son was deeply affected.

He was also angry. Angry at his perception of the selfishness the act of suicide is so very often. Angry for the hurt this young man left behind. Angry at the violence of the act he chose and the spit-in-your-face message he seemed to be sending his parents. Apparently, his parents were only guilty of indulging their son too much, but that is another topic altogether.

There was a candlelight vigil at my son’s high school. I attended. Everybody hurt.  Everybody was touched.

It is human nature to compare ourselves with others, to think that others may have it better, easier, or be luckier than we are. And, it’s usually not true. As the mother of a friend of a friend said, “The ONLY happy people I know are people I don’t know well.”

If ever there was a truism, it is that. Everybody Hurts. Everybody has his or her demons. They’re just not your demons.



Empathy is a Gift From God

Empathy is a gift from God. Empathy gives you the choice to try and understand another person’s hurts, feelings, and emotions. Empathy is a good thing.

These deaths in our community briefly rallied people around the idea that we need to reach out to those we know are hurting. We need to encourage them to seek help, seek counsel, and seek spiritual relief.

I challenge YOU to look a bit closer at those you see who might need a helping hand.  I challenge you to step out of your own worries and problems, as large or small as they may be, and direct your energy towards helping others and really seeing others.

They may need YOU.



Life Returns to Normal



What struck me the most was my son’s comment the day after the memorial, candlelight vigil. He was still reeling from the events, still very much affected, and was stunned at what seemed to be just another normal day at school. He declared, “How could it be just another day at school?” with a degree of confusion and angst.  I comforted my son and reminded him that most people are caught in their own struggles, and that many people at his school didn’t know his friend and maybe just didn’t care. I reminded him that not everyone feels the same about any particular event in their lives. And, I reminded him that he couldn’t possibly really know what was going on inside the hearts and minds of all those that he perceived had just returned to the normalcy of school life.



Nothing Replaces Real Life!



I’ve often extolled the virtues of Social Media. The invaluable wonders that meeting people from all over the world has provided me and so much more that we all can receive from Social Media. I’ve encouraged parents to step out of their comfort zones and join the worlds of Social Media simply to be in the same worlds that their children live in.

All the extolling notwithstanding, NOTHING replaces Real Life! Just as I’ve extolled the virtues of Social Media, I’ve been very clear that those relationships that have extended beyond the confines of Twitter, Facebook, texting, and e-mails are the relationships that have ultimately mattered the most (to me).

This is where the Everybody Hurts idea comes back into play. Social Media and superficial intimacy are just that – superficial. People only open up when there is comfort and a feeling of safety and trust from their friends and family.

Please realize that Everybody Hurts and please take the time to look into the eyes of those you love, your friends, and maybe reach out a hand, a comforting word, and touch another person. Nothing feels better.

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Bruce Sallan, author of “A Dad’s Point-of-View: We ARE Half the Equation” and radio

host of “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” gave up a long-term showbiz

career to become a stay-at-home-dad. He has dedicated his new career to becoming THE

Dad advocate. He carries his mission with not only his book and radio show, but also

his column “A Dad’s Point-of-View”, syndicated in over 100 newspapers and websites

worldwide, and his dedication to his community on Facebook and Twitter. Join Bruce

and his community each Thursday for #DadChat, from 6pm -7pm PST, the Tweet Chat that

Bruce hosts.

I Want It NOW! A Dad’s Point-of-View

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Bruce Sallan - When I was a kid, my birthday excursion each year was a trip to Disneyland. This was back-in-the-day when Disneyland was not only fun, but not overly crowded. It was also when they sold tickets that were labeled “A” through “E,” with the “E-ticket” being for the better rides, like the Matterhorn. The expression “E-ticket Ride” came directly from those early Disneyland tickets. Later, as we all know, Disneyland and all amusement parks switched to a single admission entrance fee.

I couldn’t sleep the night before we went to Disneyland. I was too excited. The drive to Anaheim from our house was a good hour long, though it felt like an eternity due to my eagerness. Often I brought a friend or two and we’d be eagerly discussing which ride we’d go on first. As the tickets were limited, we had to figure this out since there wasn’t yet an all-inclusive ticket. My dad was always the driver and he was heroically patient with my non-stop “Are we there yets.” There were signposts that I remember distinctly, in which my dad would say we were getting close -- one being an old water tower which signaled that we were near.

When we arrived at Disneyland, my excitement and adrenaline were at full throttle and I couldn’t wait to race to our first choice of ride. As far as I was concerned, in that heightened state, my mom and dad were moving like snails. Any line for the tickets felt interminable and by the time we finally went through the turnstiles, if it were okay with my parents, I would run to the first ride with my friends. I couldn’t wait another minute. Walking was out of the question. I wanted it now!

Now that I’m a few decades older, most everyone that knows me, knows that I’m not much different from that eager-beaver kid. I still remember running to The Tiki Tiki Room, the Autorama, or the Matterhorn. When we’d get to the front of the line of that first ride, we’d run to the sled, the seat, the car, and quickly strap in. This was heaven for this pre-teen.

I’ve learned to moderate my impatience but it’s still always there when I’m eager to do something. Writing my book and waiting for its publication was actually a relatively quick process, but I was bugging my “team” regularly with more, “Are we there yets.” I know that my eagerness and impatience has helped me in many circumstances and also, many times, made those that work or live with me weary.

The concept of “delayed gratification” has been one that I’ve tried to teach my own sons while, at the same time, constantly trying to moderate my hyper impatience. Things like communication, in so many forms these days, require no delay whatsoever. E-mail, texting, chatting, Twitter, and most everything on the Internet is instant. It seems so quaint to reflect on how we used to correspond with someone via postal mail and actually wait and be eager for a reply letter. I had pen pals when I was my boys’ ages. Whatever the modern equivalent may be, it doesn’t require anything but computer and Internet access to have immediate exchanges of “letters” or even video-communication literally anywhere in the world.

Sure, this is largely wonderful but much of life still can’t be focused into a text or an e-mail. It still takes four or so years to get a B.A. or B.S. from college. It still takes three years for law school and much longer to become a doctor. So, some forms of “delayed gratification” are truly exactly the same or, ironically, even slower as the average time it takes to get a bachelor’s degree has increased
during my lifetime to between four and five years. I got mine in three years, while four was considered quite the norm in the seventies.

The other statistic that completely blows my mind is the one that I read recently that college grads are returning to live at the home of their parents. According to a survey from Twentysomething, Inc., 85 percent of college graduates will return home because they can't find a job. I didn’t know a single friend who returned home for anything more than a meal, Thanksgiving, an anniversary, etc.

The “I want it now” concept is a personal character trait. It is also the method of instant communication for everyone today. But, it sure isn’t the quick path to independence for our college grads, let alone those high school grads that didn’t go to college. What is the answer? How much is tied to our poor economy, I don’t know. But, as a parent and married to a woman who is step-mom to my boys, she and I hope this doesn’t last!

We may all still “want it now” and much of what we want is available oh so quickly, but the enduring things in life may still require a little patience. I’m not sure I can wait, though…

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Bruce’s first book, A Dad’s Point-of-View: We ARE Half the Equation is available at
Amazon and the store at BruceSallan.com: http://brucesallan.com/index.php/store.
Bruce Sallan’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is carried in over 100 newspapers
and websites worldwide. Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s
Point-of-View,” his one-hour radio show, which is available anytime, via live
stream, or to download for free on BruceSallan.com. Everything about Bruce’s radio
show, including which stations carry it “live,” and all of Bruce’s writing and other
information, is accessible at: http://www.brucesallan.com. Bruce created and
launched a website for those who would like Tech help, called BoomerTechTalk
(http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com). Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s
Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow
Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

A Dad's Point of View: My Wife Talks Back

Bruce Sallan - No,
I’m not writing about my wife talking back to me, but rather giving her
a chance to speak her mind after all these columns in which I’ve spoken
for her.  To be fair (to me), I always run any column about her,
by her, before publication.  That doesn’t mean I make any changes, but
at least she has seen it.  Just kidding.  I do make changes she
requests.  But, what I don’t do is “change” my behavior as much as she’d
like.  So, that will be some of the focus of this interview: 

Me:  So,
honey, this is your chance to publicly clear the record, state your
case, and have your voice heard (as a guest on my radio show, too),
published, and otherwise represented.  Where would you like to start? 

Wife:  Thank
you dear, for the chance to correct all the misconceptions and complete
inaccuracies you’ve written and talked about me. 

Me:  Of course, darling.  Please continue. 

Wife:  First
of all, I am not near as compulsive as you represent me to be.  I am a
typical woman who cares about cleanliness, order, and manners in a
fashion that every home requires. 

Me:  But, do you really need
the white gloves to check if the counters have been cleaned well enough
by our older son (as this is one of his chores)?

Wife:  I
don’t use white gloves.  It’s easy enough to see the mess he’s left
behind with my fingers.  I’ve taught the boys the value of doing regular
chores, how to use their utensils, and do other things they’ll need
when they leave, like cooking and laundry.  These are things you
neglected to teach them. 

Me:  What is this about their leaving? 

Wife:  You
know exactly what I mean.  After high school, they are going to have to
TCB (take care of business) and either go to college or get a job
and live on their own.  That is teaching them responsibility and not
enabling them any more than you’ve already done. 

Me:  Don’t you think you’re just slightly exaggerating when you characterize my parenting as “enabling?” 

Wife:  What
do you call doing their homework for them until high school, being that
obnoxious sidelines coach you always are, taking videos and photos
of everything they do, and lionizing them in every Tweet, blog, and “A
Dad’s Point-of-View” column you write? 

Me (sheepishly):  I call that fatherly love. 

Wife:  No, it’s enabling.  Let’s move on and talk about how hard it’s been for me to join this family. 

Me:  It’s been hard? 

Wife (frustrated):
Bruce, Bruce, Bruce.  Who had to move 50 miles from her life and home
in the city?  Who had to become step-mom to two teenage boys?  Who had
to commute, after the move, an hour and a half each way to work?  Who
has to do most of the cooking, the laundry, and house cleaning? 

Me:  Hey, I go to CostCo! 

Wife:  Yeah,
to buy beer, tech stuff and boy toys.  I do the heavy shopping.  Okay,
I’ll admit you are the SAHD and do the majority of the kid schlepping,
but in the winter you’re skiing half the time, leaving me with
everything to do. 

Me:  C’mon, sweetiepie, I don’t ski that much and you know it. 

Wife:  You call 30-40 days a season not much? 

Me:  Yeah, I’ve been hoping to get 50 days in! 

Wife (sigh):  Set, point, match.  As usual, you open your mouth and magic comes out, just confirming my assertion.  

Me:  Well, dearest, you’ve been slightly negative so far.  How about a couple of positive things…(waiting)…one? 

Wife (thinking…thinking…thinking…)… 

Me:  Didn’t we have a great honeymoon? 

Wife:  Yes,
we did, but a honeymoon does not a marriage make.  I really do
love you, Bruce, love your boys, love our dogs (all three of them), love
our life, but I’m tired, really tired. 

Me:  You’ve often said
to me, “Happy wife; Happy life.”  What can I do to make you happier and
ease some of the burden you’re apparently feeling, and help with this
tired feeling? 

Wife:  I am happy and I really do love you
and the boys.  Maybe, please, could you not leave your dirty dishes in
the sink? Could you make the bed once in a while.  I know you don’t like
all those pillows I like, but would you do it for me, please?  And,
while you complain that I leave the lights on “all” the time, maybe
relax a bit and stop exaggerating? 

Me (with a smile on my
face):  And, I love you too, honey, and our blended life together.  As I
often say, quoting Dennis Prager, “Gratitude IS the key to
happiness” and I’m grateful every day to have had the good fortune
of meeting you and having you in our lives.  But, you do leave the
lights on ALL the time. 

Wife (laughs, sighs, and reaches over and gives Bruce a kiss). 

Please
listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at
11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the
Internet via a live stream.  For that link and all information about the
show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://www.brucesallan.com. Bruce created and launched a new website for those who would like Tech help, called BoomerTechTalk (http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com).  Bruce’s
column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 100 newspapers
and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s
Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.