Relative speaks of terrible memories of a killer in the family

Painting illustrating the killer and the pain of the killer's family members

"I came here to forget, so don't use my name," she said, as we walked together across a small park-like area in the complex where we both live.  "My dad killed my mother and my brother, then himself some years ago; and it was hard staying in the same town where everyone knows everyone else, so I moved."  Like other members of families of those who kill, the woman referred to in this article as Beverly has a lifetime of pain and trying to forget, as the devastating consequences of her father's terrible act continues to create anguish she said she must live with the rest of her life.

Beverly's tears were real, as she continued her narrative.  "I was only 20, and my brother was still living at home.  I knew my parents had marriage problems, but I did not know my dad was capable of killing her or anyone else.  I later found out from other relatives that there were some signs the problems were getting worse.  What I don't understand was why he killed my brother.  And I learned he had threatened both of them and other family members; but I guess they did not take him seriously since folks believed he was just blowing off steam.  But I can't forget that day when I learned about it.  It is something you can never, ever forget, although I have tried to go on with my life, which is why I decided to move to someplace beautiful where I could begin again."

Like Beverly, members of families who have suffered the losses created by those who have killed have to deal with the tragedy, often suffering alone if they move to a new location and having to face those who know about it if they remain in the same area.  Often the newspaper descriptions of the actual killing may name a few family members, those who are interviewed along with neighbors; but Beverly said the town was small enough people knew each other.  Her friends and neighbors would recognize her and say things out loud, or whisper in sympathy; and the knowing and shame became too difficult for her,''

NBC's interview by Erin Burnett of Melissa Moore, the daughter of serial killer, Keith Jesperson, said, in reference to her own experience and feelings in dealing with her father's actions, "There are wounds you can never heal."  In order to deal with those feelings, Moore researched her family tree to see if there was a history of violence in her family that would explain her father's aberrant behavior.  So Moore continues to wonder about the motivation of a man who killed 8 women from 1990 to 1995.

Jeffrey Dahmer's father, Lionel Dahmer,  wrote a book about his relationship with his son, an infamous serial killer, who not only killed numerous young men and boys but also cannabilized them. Lionel blamed himself for his son's personality flaws.   His mother had years before changed her name, and after her son was found to have perpetuated heinous crimes, her anonymity was relatively maintained,as she made no public appearances, pleas nor offered opportunities for interviews.  Yet her associates said, after Joyce Flint, Dahmer's mother, died of breast cancer in 2000, that she was never able to shake off the memory of what her son had done.

Beverly walked slowly away from the conversation with me, shoulders sagging just a bit, as if a burden had been lifted, that one person in the complex knows her secret and would not divulge it with her name, as both of us understood.  The pleasant-appearing woman is indistinguishable from others her age who enjoy the beauty of the area, but in that beauty the darkness of her life continues to bring sad memories to the daughter of a killer, memories, that like others who have family members who have done terrible things, continues to haunt a heart still aching with shame and loss.

A killer in the family: everyone has a story

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Carol Forsloff - It’s hard to grow up loving someone and then find that person becomes a killer, something that can hurt for many years and impact whole families.

“Everyone has a story,” she says, and it is this that keeps her secure and able to function past the sensation that the killing caused years ago and that encompassed her entire family.

Her brother killed his wife and children.  The newspaper story uncovered and reported the details.  Family members were approached for their responses, as they tried to go on with their lives.  They were asked repeatedly how they felt about having a killer in the family.

“I said as little as possible, “ she told a journalist one afternoon.  “I answered, ‘how do you think I feel,” to those who inquired about it.  Of course, it was a tragedy, something I won’t forget.  But I loved my brother and still do.  Loving a family member means sorting out what the person does from the relationship that exists long before.  It means hating what happened but not the person.  It might be something other people can consider when thinking about their feelings when someone they love commits a crime.”

The media asks questions of crime victims’ families and family members are asked what signs they might have seen that their violent family member exhibited that hinted of potential problems.  But often the families are grieving, as they express the kind of loss that takes place when someone is killed, and it is their loved one who has been accused or found guilty of the crime.

Some families deny the guilt altogether.  Other families are torn by the stress.  Some go on with their lives, not forgetting, but also not letting those memories of the worst impact what they do in the future.

For some, like Susan Smith, the mother from South Carolinia who killed her children by driving a car with them into a lake, the aberrance within the family is said by some to have been a motivating factor in her behavior.  Her father committed suicide in Susan’s childhood, and her stepfather was said to have sexually molested her to the point Susan had to have counseling, while the family rejected her pleas.

Scott Peterson, 36,  received the sentence of death in March 2005 when he was convicted of murdering his wife Laci and unborn son, Conner.  He is now appealing his conviction and is supported by his family in that appeal.  Furthermore he has frequent visits from family and friends, plays basketball  and has recreation with other inmates five hours daily in his prison home, San Quentin,   He is perceived as killing his wife and the subject of the death of the son is seen differently than if he had directly killed a child, according to sources that have followed up the case.
Samuel Robinson, a lieutenant with the California Department of Corrections,  is quoted as saying that Peterson has a fairly full life with friends and family visits and keeps a picture of his wife, Laci, prominent in his cell, as those supporters protest his innocence, in spite of a trial conviction.   "He has a significant amount of money in his account from people all over the world,"  Robinson told People magazine.

While the media presented a negative profile of Jeffrey Dahmer’s mother, those who knew her before her death in 2000 from breast cancer tell the story of a woman in anguish over having a son who committed such terrible crimes.  Joyce "Rocky" Flint was 64 when she died.  With a Masters degree in counseling, Flint had worked as a mental health counselor in the treatment of AIDS patients as well as a case manager in a retirement facility.  She was employed as a counselor the year Jeffrey, her son, was arrested, charged and convicted of killing 17 young men and boys in Milwaukee, after mutilating and cannibalizing them.   The Los Angeles Times reported on Flint’s death and quoted Julio Mastro as saying, "She was enthusiastic, and she was compassionate, and she turned her own tragedy into being able to have a great deal of empathy for people with HIV," Julio Mastro was then executive director of the Living Room, an HIV community center.   Dahmer himself had told his attorneys she was a great mother.  But the accent by some of the media was on Dahmer’s being alone at age 18 when his parents both left the home, intimating the mother's culpability in creating the personality of Dahmer who could commit such terrible crimes.

Casey Anthony is to be released on Sunday, with the plans under wraps today.  She was accused of murdering her child, Caylee and found not guilty of the crime.  Her family was described during the trial as dysfunctional.  That family faces an unknown future, with some who may move on like the woman whose brother killed his family.  But some may use what happened to motivate them to do good in the world and some may deny any problems at all,  but the memories like others will last.

The woman whose husband killed his family had this to say at the end, the value of which may be far greater than just getting past an event.  “Everyone has a story.   I remember that.  That can be a severe illness, the loss of a loved one, the ruin of one’s reputation, or the pain from something terrible  happening, that affects the person or a member of the family.    When we think we’re the only one who has had to suffer, we turn the corner and learn of the tragedy of someone else.”

Then she reminded me of the great poem “Desiderata,” and an excerpt that says this:

"Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. "

What is it like to be a family member of a killer or accused killer?

 

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Carol Forsloff - John Wayne Gacey, one of America's worst serial killers, and the son of Jim Jones were on the Oprah Show last week speaking of the complications caused by a family member who has killed, so how has this issue impacted others? 

Gacey's sister and Jim Jones Jr. both reiterated the fact they had to deal with their feelings for a long time, with difficulty, and that there were conflicted feelings in how they emotionally managed to get through the process of continuing to love the person and despise the deed that was done. 




Their message was just that, maintaining a balance of loving the family member in the recall of positive events that had occurred in the relationship, which allowed them to deal with the knowledge there was a killer in the family, and in the case of both Gacey and Jones, serial killers of renown. 

How have others handled this type of issue in families, when a family member is either found guilty of murder or is accused of killing?  Some high profile cases  reveal the ambivalence and emotional pain experienced by family members of people accused of, imprisoned or executed for horrible crimes. 

Susan Smith’s mother, Linda, has written a book about her daughter and her dilemma as mother of a convicted killer. Susan Smith has been in jail for nearly two decades for killing her two young children.   

Jeffrey Dahmer’s father also wrote a book about his feelings, his experiences, his recollections of the son who was convicted of cannibalizing and killing young men. Will the parents of Casey Anthony, if their daughter is convicted of killing her daughter Caylee, write a book as well? The ultimate pain and shame of parents of children who kill is born out by their stories, some shown in the press at the time, and some told later by way of the books they write. 

Casey Anthony’s parents, George and Cindy Anthony, were on the news frequently after their granddaughter, Caylee, was reported missing.  They implored for anyone who had seen their little granddaughter Caylee to come forward. They were also said to have wavered in their feelings about the guilt or innocence of their daughter Casey. In the eyes of the public, as reflected in the stories written about this case, the grandparents have been portrayed as either being too much in denial about their daughter’s possible guilt or victims themselves in this tragedy. Given this wide swing in social perception, how could it not be difficult for these people during the period while their daughter, Casey, waits to be tried for murder, and possibly face the death penalty, for killing her toddlery, Caylee?

Susan Smith’s childhood was reported to be seriously troubled with her mother, Linda, having married at the age of 17 and the family involved in intense arguing that led one of Susan’s brothers, Michael, to attempt suicide. Her parents divorce was an emotionally fraught experience for everyone, it was said, so much so that Susan’s father, Harry, committed suicide. Susan was sexually abused by her stepfather, Beverly Russel, for years, an issue that continued despite family counseling. So Susan’s mother lives with the killing of her grandchildren, the imprisonment of her daughter for their death, and the memories of the sex abuse also. That contributes to the Linda’s ultimate pain she writes.   Linda Smith explains why she wrote her book My Daughter Susan Smith, as this,

My daughter Susan Smith was never a violent person, never abused her children. She never committed an act of any kind that those close to her could point to later as an omen of the killing of her children. She loved them dearly. They were her life. But she sent 3-year-old Michael and 14-month-old Alex to their deaths in John D. Long Lake on a dark October night.  

 

In the 6 years since Susan was found guilty of murder, I am just now beginning to understand the silent devastation of mental illness. Obviously, I have to accept that Susan was responsible for the deaths of her children. But where does responsibility lie for what happened along the way that got her in that mental shape?

This book is a quest for understanding--for myself and for others.

 

 

Later on an author by the name of Don Davis in 1997 wrote a book entitled Hush Little Babies: The True Story Of A Mother Who Murdered Her Own in which both the lives of Linda and Susan were told. Linda remains grieved, it is said, over the circumstances of her life and that of her daughter, Susan. As of the last report of the family, it was said the members remain silent about the case these days.

 

Lionel Dahmer, father of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, has written his story as well, simply titled A Father’s Story. The contents of the book are described like this:

A Father's Story' chronicles Lionel Dahmer's reflections and reminiscences of his son, Jeffrey, a serial killer. Despite the gory crimes committed by his son, the elder Dahmer finds it hard to judge Jeffrey the way his accusers have. The worst imaginable nightmare for most parents is to discover that one of their children has been murdered. For Lionel Dahmer, the discovery that Jeffrey Dahmer, his son, had murdered so many other people's children is what has turned his life into an unimaginable nightmare. Arrested at his Milwaukee apartment in 1991 and sentenced to 957 years in prison, Jeffrey Dahmer had taken the lives of seventeen men,

 

Some authors have discussed Lionel Dahmer’s book and the confusions he relates and have declared that in many ways, Jeffrey Dahmer was his father’s son. Those stories that will likely continue are sure to continue the pain of Dahmer’s family.

 

 Cindy and George Anthony stand in the same place as other parents with a daughter accused of killing the granddaughter they loved, and having to face a trial in that court of public opinion and the one their daughter Casey must face on charges of killing her child.

The family of Amanda Knox has an especially painful situation, as relayed by the press regularly.  The publicity is said to be painful, and the family is appealing Amanda Knox conviction.  But the court in Italy has been reported as stern and considering adding years to Amanda's sentence because of claims both she and her parents defamed the court. Amanda Knox was found guilty of killing her roommate in Italy and is serving a 26-year sentence for the crime.

 

The public, as with other cases, is likely to be confused as they vacillate between concern for these parents and grandparents and problems concerning any issues the prosecution finds related to them. It won’t be easy for these families in the future, as the cases of other parents have painfully shown.

 

 

Brad Conway, the attorney who has represented George and Cindy Anthony, told Meredith Viera on the Today Show more than one year ago that the Anthony's stand by their daughter but had not visited her for months and won't as long as they have to be watched and recorded during each visit.  They are reported to have conflicts and grief regarding the events surrounding their daughter and the death of their granddaughter.

 

 

It is those conflicts, that grief, and those memories families must weigh, as discussed in the cases of Gacey and Jones today on the Oprah show.