Two sets of victims suffer from a killing in the family

Casey Anthony, Florida police mugshot

"If one of my kids killed somebody, they might just as well get caught and be put away, because they would never see me again."  Larry Beekham's remark is similar to those made by many people who say they would feel shame and would literally disown their children found guilty of a major crime.  But other parents remain staunchly devoted to their children, and their suffering remains, sometimes lifelong.

Leslie Gardner, whose name has been disguised because she lives in a small neighborhood community in Hawaii, left the mainland because her father had killed someone and was sentenced to death row.  She continues to maintain a low profile in her community but says it is lonely when people ask her about her family.  She said, "I go and visit my Mom every year, so people think everything is all right.  But when they ask about my Dad, I don't know what to say, so I say they are separated, my Mom and Dad; and he lives someplace else."

That someplace else is the place that causes Gardner the pain she says never seems to go away, even though it has been six years since her father's conviction.

Joran van der Sloot admitted he killed 21-year-old Stephany Flores, a business student whose body was found in a Lima hotel room last week.  His mother visited over an extended period of time, one of those parents whose future has been compromised by the actions of her son.

Compassion floods towards the victim's families when there is a terrible crime; and although the pain of the perpetrator's family  is mentioned, it is seldom the focus of public concern.

In November 2008 Greta Van Sustern interviewed an assistant District Attorney who had tried to speak with Paulus van der Sloot, Joran's father regarding the disappearance of Natalie Holloway.  Paulus van der Sloot was reported to have resisted speaking with anyone publicly about his son and to have guided Joran through the events that occurred when the young van der Sloot was accused of involvement with the disappearance of Natalie Holloway in Aruba.

The negatives of this were splashed on newspaper pages and in television scripts with quotes as well.  The mother's voice appeared silent, as there was no focus on her feelings during that time.Like other parents whose children have either admitted to or been found guilty of terrible crimes, the van der Sloot's will experience personal pain, experts say, that will go on for years.

Jeffrey Dahmer’s mother and father vacillated from making public pronouncements to withdrawing. Dahmer’s mother tried hard to stay out of the public eye. Jeffrey’s father wrote a book, A Father's Story, chronicling the history of a son who had problems at an early age.  Dahmer is the man who cannibalized and killed his victims.

For certain the grandparents of Caylee Anthony, George and Cindy Anthony, have faced the cameras, showing their personal agonies as their daughter Casey is waiting to be tried for killing Caylee, her young daughter.

Authorities say one of the major characteristics of the psychopath, or serial killer, is self-centered behavior.  Mental health experts maintain that type of behavior is noticed by parents who may disregard it and not see it as a signal of further mental health problems.

Jeffrey Dahmer’s mother, Joyce, was reported to be frequently sick during Jeffrey's childhood  but  otherwise not a problem mother. When Jeffrey was picked up for the killings, for which he was convicted,  his mother was employed as a drug and alcohol treatment counselor.. His father was a Ph.D chemist. The parents were reported to be as ordinary as the people next door when they lived in Bath, Ohio.  They who divorced when Jeffrey was a teenager.

Scott Peterson’s family ,according to news reports, continues to deny that Scott killed his wife Lacey and the couple’s unborn child and have hired new defense attorneys for appeals. But they too are shown having emotional stress and retreat from public view.

Ronnie Lee Gardner, a killer who was on death row for 25 years, was executed about five years ago for the death of an attorney and the injury of a court bailiff during an escape attempt at the courthouse where he was being held for a robbery and murder the year before.   after 25 years on death row, brought strong reaction on both sides of the death penalty argument.  But it brought up the pain of the parents on both sides as well.  Gardner's family stood in vigil the night of his execution with people against the death penalty, making a total of 60 people sorrowing Utah's education of Gardner by firing squad.

Nick Kirk's daughter, Barb Webb, and granddaughter, Mandy Hull, family members of the bailiff who was shot, never able to work again and who suffered both physical and emotional pain for years, were reported by Desert News to be planning a vigil of their own. They had planned but then canceled it because they did not want to share attention and space with Gardner's family.

"We sure as hell didn't want them thinking it was for them," Webb said. "It's horrible, just absolutely horrible. I don't know why they would do this to us."

The ethics of the death penalty and religious quotes are part of the news frequently in the United States when there is an execution of someone who has committed a terrible crime, both sides expressing outrage, with the families caught in between.

Families of those who commit heinous crimes suffer greatly, as the community turns its sympathy to the victims.  Yet what about the families of those who were found innocent yet spent years on death row?

Ray Krone's story chronicles this issue, as he spent 10 years on death row before being exonerated of the crime of killing a female bartender.  DNA testing found another man had committed the crime.  In the meantime, Ray served that 10 years, but in many ways his family served the same length of time in their grief and struggle to reconcile the image of the man they knew and loved and the one convicted of murder.

Ray Krone said this to one of those people who interviewed him about his release from prison. “There was the time when I was testifying on behalf of Witness to Innocence, and a prosecutor said to me, ‘You’ve been exonerated. They got the guy who did it. You’re out now. See: the system works.’ I said, ‘Tell my mom the system works.’ He didn’t ask any more questions."

There are two sets of victims when a murder is committed: the victim's family and the family of the one convicted of the crime. And it is even worse for the second set of victims when there is no way to recover the years lost and the agony of having to believe someone is guilty of a crime who is found innocent.

A killer in the family: everyone has a story

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Carol Forsloff - It’s hard to grow up loving someone and then find that person becomes a killer, something that can hurt for many years and impact whole families.

“Everyone has a story,” she says, and it is this that keeps her secure and able to function past the sensation that the killing caused years ago and that encompassed her entire family.

Her brother killed his wife and children.  The newspaper story uncovered and reported the details.  Family members were approached for their responses, as they tried to go on with their lives.  They were asked repeatedly how they felt about having a killer in the family.

“I said as little as possible, “ she told a journalist one afternoon.  “I answered, ‘how do you think I feel,” to those who inquired about it.  Of course, it was a tragedy, something I won’t forget.  But I loved my brother and still do.  Loving a family member means sorting out what the person does from the relationship that exists long before.  It means hating what happened but not the person.  It might be something other people can consider when thinking about their feelings when someone they love commits a crime.”

The media asks questions of crime victims’ families and family members are asked what signs they might have seen that their violent family member exhibited that hinted of potential problems.  But often the families are grieving, as they express the kind of loss that takes place when someone is killed, and it is their loved one who has been accused or found guilty of the crime.

Some families deny the guilt altogether.  Other families are torn by the stress.  Some go on with their lives, not forgetting, but also not letting those memories of the worst impact what they do in the future.

For some, like Susan Smith, the mother from South Carolinia who killed her children by driving a car with them into a lake, the aberrance within the family is said by some to have been a motivating factor in her behavior.  Her father committed suicide in Susan’s childhood, and her stepfather was said to have sexually molested her to the point Susan had to have counseling, while the family rejected her pleas.

Scott Peterson, 36,  received the sentence of death in March 2005 when he was convicted of murdering his wife Laci and unborn son, Conner.  He is now appealing his conviction and is supported by his family in that appeal.  Furthermore he has frequent visits from family and friends, plays basketball  and has recreation with other inmates five hours daily in his prison home, San Quentin,   He is perceived as killing his wife and the subject of the death of the son is seen differently than if he had directly killed a child, according to sources that have followed up the case.
Samuel Robinson, a lieutenant with the California Department of Corrections,  is quoted as saying that Peterson has a fairly full life with friends and family visits and keeps a picture of his wife, Laci, prominent in his cell, as those supporters protest his innocence, in spite of a trial conviction.   "He has a significant amount of money in his account from people all over the world,"  Robinson told People magazine.

While the media presented a negative profile of Jeffrey Dahmer’s mother, those who knew her before her death in 2000 from breast cancer tell the story of a woman in anguish over having a son who committed such terrible crimes.  Joyce "Rocky" Flint was 64 when she died.  With a Masters degree in counseling, Flint had worked as a mental health counselor in the treatment of AIDS patients as well as a case manager in a retirement facility.  She was employed as a counselor the year Jeffrey, her son, was arrested, charged and convicted of killing 17 young men and boys in Milwaukee, after mutilating and cannibalizing them.   The Los Angeles Times reported on Flint’s death and quoted Julio Mastro as saying, "She was enthusiastic, and she was compassionate, and she turned her own tragedy into being able to have a great deal of empathy for people with HIV," Julio Mastro was then executive director of the Living Room, an HIV community center.   Dahmer himself had told his attorneys she was a great mother.  But the accent by some of the media was on Dahmer’s being alone at age 18 when his parents both left the home, intimating the mother's culpability in creating the personality of Dahmer who could commit such terrible crimes.

Casey Anthony is to be released on Sunday, with the plans under wraps today.  She was accused of murdering her child, Caylee and found not guilty of the crime.  Her family was described during the trial as dysfunctional.  That family faces an unknown future, with some who may move on like the woman whose brother killed his family.  But some may use what happened to motivate them to do good in the world and some may deny any problems at all,  but the memories like others will last.

The woman whose husband killed his family had this to say at the end, the value of which may be far greater than just getting past an event.  “Everyone has a story.   I remember that.  That can be a severe illness, the loss of a loved one, the ruin of one’s reputation, or the pain from something terrible  happening, that affects the person or a member of the family.    When we think we’re the only one who has had to suffer, we turn the corner and learn of the tragedy of someone else.”

Then she reminded me of the great poem “Desiderata,” and an excerpt that says this:

"Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. "

What is it like to be a family member of a killer or accused killer?

 

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Carol Forsloff - John Wayne Gacey, one of America's worst serial killers, and the son of Jim Jones were on the Oprah Show last week speaking of the complications caused by a family member who has killed, so how has this issue impacted others? 

Gacey's sister and Jim Jones Jr. both reiterated the fact they had to deal with their feelings for a long time, with difficulty, and that there were conflicted feelings in how they emotionally managed to get through the process of continuing to love the person and despise the deed that was done. 




Their message was just that, maintaining a balance of loving the family member in the recall of positive events that had occurred in the relationship, which allowed them to deal with the knowledge there was a killer in the family, and in the case of both Gacey and Jones, serial killers of renown. 

How have others handled this type of issue in families, when a family member is either found guilty of murder or is accused of killing?  Some high profile cases  reveal the ambivalence and emotional pain experienced by family members of people accused of, imprisoned or executed for horrible crimes. 

Susan Smith’s mother, Linda, has written a book about her daughter and her dilemma as mother of a convicted killer. Susan Smith has been in jail for nearly two decades for killing her two young children.   

Jeffrey Dahmer’s father also wrote a book about his feelings, his experiences, his recollections of the son who was convicted of cannibalizing and killing young men. Will the parents of Casey Anthony, if their daughter is convicted of killing her daughter Caylee, write a book as well? The ultimate pain and shame of parents of children who kill is born out by their stories, some shown in the press at the time, and some told later by way of the books they write. 

Casey Anthony’s parents, George and Cindy Anthony, were on the news frequently after their granddaughter, Caylee, was reported missing.  They implored for anyone who had seen their little granddaughter Caylee to come forward. They were also said to have wavered in their feelings about the guilt or innocence of their daughter Casey. In the eyes of the public, as reflected in the stories written about this case, the grandparents have been portrayed as either being too much in denial about their daughter’s possible guilt or victims themselves in this tragedy. Given this wide swing in social perception, how could it not be difficult for these people during the period while their daughter, Casey, waits to be tried for murder, and possibly face the death penalty, for killing her toddlery, Caylee?

Susan Smith’s childhood was reported to be seriously troubled with her mother, Linda, having married at the age of 17 and the family involved in intense arguing that led one of Susan’s brothers, Michael, to attempt suicide. Her parents divorce was an emotionally fraught experience for everyone, it was said, so much so that Susan’s father, Harry, committed suicide. Susan was sexually abused by her stepfather, Beverly Russel, for years, an issue that continued despite family counseling. So Susan’s mother lives with the killing of her grandchildren, the imprisonment of her daughter for their death, and the memories of the sex abuse also. That contributes to the Linda’s ultimate pain she writes.   Linda Smith explains why she wrote her book My Daughter Susan Smith, as this,

My daughter Susan Smith was never a violent person, never abused her children. She never committed an act of any kind that those close to her could point to later as an omen of the killing of her children. She loved them dearly. They were her life. But she sent 3-year-old Michael and 14-month-old Alex to their deaths in John D. Long Lake on a dark October night.  

 

In the 6 years since Susan was found guilty of murder, I am just now beginning to understand the silent devastation of mental illness. Obviously, I have to accept that Susan was responsible for the deaths of her children. But where does responsibility lie for what happened along the way that got her in that mental shape?

This book is a quest for understanding--for myself and for others.

 

 

Later on an author by the name of Don Davis in 1997 wrote a book entitled Hush Little Babies: The True Story Of A Mother Who Murdered Her Own in which both the lives of Linda and Susan were told. Linda remains grieved, it is said, over the circumstances of her life and that of her daughter, Susan. As of the last report of the family, it was said the members remain silent about the case these days.

 

Lionel Dahmer, father of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, has written his story as well, simply titled A Father’s Story. The contents of the book are described like this:

A Father's Story' chronicles Lionel Dahmer's reflections and reminiscences of his son, Jeffrey, a serial killer. Despite the gory crimes committed by his son, the elder Dahmer finds it hard to judge Jeffrey the way his accusers have. The worst imaginable nightmare for most parents is to discover that one of their children has been murdered. For Lionel Dahmer, the discovery that Jeffrey Dahmer, his son, had murdered so many other people's children is what has turned his life into an unimaginable nightmare. Arrested at his Milwaukee apartment in 1991 and sentenced to 957 years in prison, Jeffrey Dahmer had taken the lives of seventeen men,

 

Some authors have discussed Lionel Dahmer’s book and the confusions he relates and have declared that in many ways, Jeffrey Dahmer was his father’s son. Those stories that will likely continue are sure to continue the pain of Dahmer’s family.

 

 Cindy and George Anthony stand in the same place as other parents with a daughter accused of killing the granddaughter they loved, and having to face a trial in that court of public opinion and the one their daughter Casey must face on charges of killing her child.

The family of Amanda Knox has an especially painful situation, as relayed by the press regularly.  The publicity is said to be painful, and the family is appealing Amanda Knox conviction.  But the court in Italy has been reported as stern and considering adding years to Amanda's sentence because of claims both she and her parents defamed the court. Amanda Knox was found guilty of killing her roommate in Italy and is serving a 26-year sentence for the crime.

 

The public, as with other cases, is likely to be confused as they vacillate between concern for these parents and grandparents and problems concerning any issues the prosecution finds related to them. It won’t be easy for these families in the future, as the cases of other parents have painfully shown.

 

 

Brad Conway, the attorney who has represented George and Cindy Anthony, told Meredith Viera on the Today Show more than one year ago that the Anthony's stand by their daughter but had not visited her for months and won't as long as they have to be watched and recorded during each visit.  They are reported to have conflicts and grief regarding the events surrounding their daughter and the death of their granddaughter.

 

 

It is those conflicts, that grief, and those memories families must weigh, as discussed in the cases of Gacey and Jones today on the Oprah show.