Woe to seniors who divorce

While this is not a religious proclamation about divorce, woe until him or her who divorce in senior years.

Years ago Grandma and Grandpa lived out their lives together, even if for the most part they weren't speaking.  But these days, they are often just as likely to seek divorce as others, but the complications and concerns are far more grave. 

The nation was stunned over the announcement of the impending divorce of Al and Tipper Gore some years ago after 40 years of marriage.  Here was a couple held up to the world as having it all, with love included.  Now they face what many seniors are facing, undoing lives of many years together and facing an uncertain future.  Even though close friends suspected the Gores had problems, the general public was surprised.  The upcoming Gore divorce, however, shines a light on what is happening in the area of what is now referred to as the "gray divorce," the break-up of long-term marriages.-  

Americans are living longer, and consequently the years of a marriage can also be longer for Americans.  Divorce rates are increasing for married couples who have gone through decades together.. According to U.S. Census statistics, women married between 1970 and 1974 had a 50-percent chance of reaching a 30th wedding anniversary. This rate is significantly lower than those who married just 10 years earlier, who had a 60-percent probability of reaching the same milestone.

These statistics bear out in the actual practice of those working with relationships. A social worker who focuses on marital conflict told the Wall Street Journal that those with marriages of 30 to 40 years now comprise the biggest part of her practice.

Although each divorce embodies unique circumstances, those working with couples divorcing later in life note common themes. Oftentimes these couples have grown children and finances that are in order, but have marital relationships that have been long-suffering.

These factors alone can hardly account for the shift. Older couples have long faced the time when their children have grown, and often have simply maintained their marriages despite having grown apart, indicating that there must be some other factors at play.

In many cases, older women have become less dependent on their husbands for financial support, making departures financially feasible. In other cases, one spouse or the other finds that it's time to embrace a true calling -- choosing a new profession or simply seeking a life that brings more joy than a stagnate marriage does. As people are remaining active longer, the empty-nest years are extended and offer greater opportunities than they once did. 

The issues involved in divorce are likely to be much more important for seniors than with younger couples. In fact experts tell us that divorce is the worst retirement mistake a couple can make.

When marital assets must be divided between two older spouses, each is left with only half of what was expected to cover those golden years.  The impact is that neither person wins, as there often is not enough money after the division occurs to guarantee the wife or husband will live well.

Women are often the ones who file first, and this makes increased difficulty, as women's retirement packages are often lower than those of men.  That gender gap, it is said, has already left many women in poverty.

In many cases those who are divorcing are approaching retirement, therefore they leave a limited time period to make up the difference in what they will need to live on during the remainder of their life span, which can be more than 15 years for may people.

Furthermore medical problems increase later in life, at the time when these splits occur. This can leve one or both partners in financial jeopardy as a consequence of having to divide up assets at a difficult time.

There are also the emotional consequences that can't be quantified.  Divorce is a stressful process, and the consequences to one's emotions, and therefore one's health, can be incalculable, according to the experts.

Often divorce comes about because the couple have lost their children to time, circumstance and life moves, as adult children go on with their lives and work.  The empty nesters who have not found ways to nest together comfortably without the demands--and company---of children may find themselves at odds with each other.  That's when the quarrels begin.

It's also when financial concerns arise, as people plan for the future and find themselves having to decide if that future is going to be a solitary one or one that involves a couple living out their years comfortably and amicably too.

So the experts say it is better to stay together if you have made it this far and aren't literally savaging one another.  Because the price one pays for divorce is a high one at any time and far greater in those senior years.

Ten signs of divorce and divorce remorse

[caption id="attachment_9542" align="alignleft" width="235"] Elizabeth Taylor[/caption]

Carol Forsloff - "Divorce is never easy," says Ms. Hamlin. "It can be the most difficult thing you go through in your life. But I can say from experience, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a train coming to run you down. It's a whole new life.” Is it, however, the life you want more than being married?

Judy Joseph Hamlin, a former Orange County housewife, gives readers the ten signs a marriage might end in divorce in her book From Riches to Happiness and underlines that if the worst happens,  it isn’t the end of a person’s life, but perhaps the beginning. She looks at  the reality show The Real Housewives and talks about the type of issues that occur in the series, the fighting, the physical and emotional abuse, and the constant quarreling and criticism, and maintains these events are signs a marriage may be falling apart, and it’s time for a divorce. That thought is often part of the process many people go through in separating from a spouse, as the divorce rate in the United States is 50%.

While regrets are voiced about choosing a marriage partner and finding out things can be difficult in relationships and breakups therefore occur, some folks say that maybe that former spouse might have been the right choice after all.

Those who look at love from all angles tell us that many people regret their divorce.  A blogger reminds us, “ Divorce can sometimes seem like a rushed decision that was not planned out entirely. All too often, it is after the papers are final one realizes that they really did love their spouse.”

Some people make the break, find they regret it, and then seek reconciliation. It is the stuff of great plays and films, as old lovers rekindle that spark that brought them together in the first place. It takes careful planning, however, as those issues that divided the couple may continue to be part of the reconciliation needs. So those who counsel folks about their marriages, and possible remarriage to the same partner, often suggest marital counseling in advance. Some very famous couples chose to reunite and found the same issues that broke the marriage apart remain obstacles to an amicable relationship the second time around.  Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton were the quintessential romantic couple of Hollywood, but with the high profile arguments and conflicts that added up to a divorce again.

Some couples are able to reestablish bonds because they become concerned about the impact of separation and divorce on the children. More and more research has established the significant problems caused by divorce, especially when there are young children involved. The scars of the divorce often remain hurting years after the end of the marriage. There are divorced parents who recognize the effect on the children, then reexamine the issues in the marriage and find in the balance that the harm to the children, and to the couple, far outweigh the initial causes for a divorce.

Marriage experts remind us that the best alternative is to try to save a marriage as opposed to rushing through a divorce, because much of the time those regrets can’t be translated into a reunification of the couple concerned. One expert underlines what many folks say privately, even though they may say to family and friends they made a good decision that the divorce has created a whole new set of problems and that the “marriage was far better than the divorce “and that whole new life might not be as easy or as fun as thought.

Estrangement: healing the dying process family rifts can cause

[caption id="attachment_8251" align="alignleft" width="200" caption="Kelly Rowland"][/caption]

Carol Forsloff - Young entertainer Kelly Rowland wants to reconcile with her estranged father whom she has not seen in 20 years, according to DailyFill.com. In that way she seeks to end a long, slow dying process, the kind that can cause pain across generations that many people feel.

Rowland is quoted as saying, “I do have a desire to speak to him. But I have to be ready when I make that decision, and I don't want to hurry myself." Rowland was raised by her mom since age seven.

It may be a brother, sister, or even a parent or child, but the long, slow death in a family creates great anguish for its members, some of whom can speak about it, while others move away. As face-to-face communication lapses,  misunderstandings grow; and  relationships become expendable when they are needed most. Rowland tells us she wants to end that pain that comes when someone feels abandoned and unloved.

Family stresses increase in difficult times. Recent news relates the growth of mental health issues, family violence, and homelessness created by estrangement related to economic factors. But there are other concerns that lead to family separation, which is that long, slow death that can impact whole families in many, many ways.

The initial truth that underlines the long, slow death and what agony results is the fact, as experts in adoption maintain, “Each child that enters and leaves the family makes his or her mark.” In a broader perspective of this statement,  it isn’t just a child that enters and leaves a family that makes a mark upon it, but other family members too, who leave an empty, painful spot new members cannot fill.

Bill and Steve have not spoken to each other in nearly ten years. They are brothers, both in their 70’s, who had maintained some semblance of relationship most of their lives. That relationship included occasional visits and travels across the country for them, phone calls on birthdays and Christmas, and a rare holiday card sent in offhand, unplanned ways. In reverence for an aging parent, they smiled and chatted at these times, but when the responsibility for the mother ended in her death, the long estrangement of the two siblings soon began, with neither voicing any specific reason for what happened. As each year passed, the negative feelings grew along with stories that could form some foundation and explanation for the ever-growing rift.

For Alice, divorced and older, it is a daughter’s absence, one she lightly passes over when old friends and new ones ask. One adult daughter lives with Alice in caring, comforting ways; the other, Alice says, “I seldom hear at all from that one, and only when I call.”

A bitter divorce or parent rivalry is often at the core of why siblings leave the family or why the mother or the father seem to run away. For Susan, whose former husband got custody of the children, based on income, choice and personal reasons, the loss was absolute. Years of travels to and fro, gifts and phone calls, and offering of money for special needs could not retain the love, affection, and regard that children can provide.  Bitter feelings found their way across the family core, to friends and neighbors, and finally to grandchildren Susan may never meet. The gap of time and distance never fully takes the pain away, as mother, grandmother fade from fact but still disturb the memories after all.

Some of those who leave are scapegoats, the ones in dysfunctional relationships that get the blame when things go wrong. That finger of guilty shame turns right to them, or they perceive it does; and in response, the person leaves the family circle when the pain becomes too great.

The scapegoat child, some experts say, is necessary for dysfunctional families to absorb the family pain. Feeling unloved, the child feels hurt, and as the pain grows larger, he or she may act out that pain in ways that increase the chasm that develops until one day it is far too wide, it seems, to get across.  This makes the scapegoat act out worse in a cycle that seems endless and becomes the long, slow family death that never is redeemed.

Advice guru Liz Pryor maintains much of how we relate with family members has to do with the definitions made about us in our childhood, so that we revert to childhood labels and behavior when we are faced with those who know us from those early days. Then to escape those labels, we ourselves escape. Some of us simply avoid family gatherings or are less engaged when they occur. Some of us remove ourselves entirely from the group, especially if there is no compromise.

Is there a way to make things better and stop the dying process that invades the family core? Pryor says that it can happen through a values change. She reminds us we must recognize the adage, life is short,  and decide what is important after all. Her closing remark is this:

“So, wake up tomorrow and take a careful look at your relationships with your brother, your sister, your mom and dad, your kids, your grandparents and, remember, they are the chosen people in your life, for better or for worse.

If you can make it better, try.

There isn't a person on the planet who regrets making the effort to bring a family member back to the front row of their life.”

Will it bring the loved one back or if you’re the one who is estranged, will it mend the problems that caused the rift that faces you to grow? Perhaps it won’t, but the advice is still to try because that effort may not be rewarded in the ways you want and yet you can find solace that you tried.